Eyes Wide Open

Chapter Eight

"Take off those rotten clothes," Hyukjae gestures to the suit that I still had on, despite it being nearly a week after Kyuhyun's funeral. I had been off on my own for that long without even realizing it, and never once did I change. Nor did I eat.

I heard his words, but my brain just didn't comprehend them. I didn't move; instead, I just stood there and stared blankly ahead-- It had become a habit of mine. Hyukjae then reached over and unbuttoned my clothes, stripping me bare. I stood there in front of him, unfazed, completely exposed. He looked me over, a mix of emotions spreading rapidly across his face.

"Donghae, you're thinner than Kyuhyun and Sungmin ever were," he looked troubled at first, then a small smile spread across his still saddened face. "You're nearing perfection."

All he received was my usual silence and blank stare, which made him loose heart. He sighed in defeat, pushing me into the bathroom and turning on the shower. After the water was warm enough, I climbed in mindlessly and stood there with the water streaming down my body.

I heard the soft mumur of voices, Hyukjae's and Siwon's, discussing... Well, me. I stood there in the shower, listening to the brokenness that came from Hyukjae's soft voice-- he sounded as if he was crying. That is what I did to him; I hurt him so much. As I stood there, I allowed my mind to wander. As expected, it went to that which I had lost.

Was this how Kyuhyun felt after he had lost Sungmin? Had he been as heartbroken, torn, and absolutely lost as I was? I silently wished that Kyuhyun was still here, just so I could talk tp him one more time. Maybe then, I could move on. Maybe then, I could achieve true perfection-- because I was holding onto him, just as he had held onto Sungmin. And he let him go, finally, and now he was gone.

I flinched at the sound of the bathroom door opening-- the voices had stopped. "Donghae. Are you done?"

I exited the shower, Hyukjae wrapping a towel around my body. I glanced in the mirror at my body, and the sight shocked me. I looked almost as Kyuhyun did in the funeral casket. I was outrageously pale, and anyone could see the perfect outline of my ribs.

In a sense, it was sickening.

Hyukjae nurtured me that night; dressing me, feeding me, loving me. As I laid next to him, my mind slowly came back to reality. Hyukjae ran his cool fingers up ad down my spine gently, soothing me with his soft words of love. He kept me there, at least for a while. For a minute, it was reassuring. And when his fingers stopped stroking my back, it was almost as if I was to stay with him, stay in the real world for a while.

But then I was lost once more.