Falling for the Enemy (Sun and Moon Book 1)

Chapter 20 - Ideas

I'm almost asleep when Zuko finally returns. I know that he was just standing outside the entrance. I know that I hurt him.

I hate myself for caring.

I shouldn't- he's hateful and a firebender. He's mean and cruel and- and he's not. He has a temper, but who wouldn't? He's from the Fire Nation, after all. I hate that I can relate to that. I hate that I understand his anger.

I hate myself for liking him when I'm supposed to hate him.

But he can't know that. He can't ever know that I like him, that I can't think of another place in the world I'd rather be than here.

He can't know that I- I squash the thoughts, rolling over to watch him as he settles before the fire. He says nothing, doesn't even look at me.

He just sits there, staring into the fire, and even though I can't see his face I know somehow the thoughts that are whirring in his head.

He's worried that we won't reach Ba Sing Se, though why he wants to go there I can't fathom. If they find out who he is they'll kill him, and as far as he knows there's nothing stopping me from telling them who he is.

I can't figure out why he trusts me when I've given him no reason to. It's like he knows that I won't tell anyone- like he knows that I couldn't, wouldn't do that to him. Like he knows me, knows things about me that even I don't know.

But I can't figure out how that could possibly be, when we've never even had a truly civil conversation. Or any sort of conversation at all, really.

His shoulders are tense, though his hands hang loose at his sides. I wonder what his true thoughts are, what his dreams and fears and hopes are. I want to know him, but he's my enemy. I should hate him.

I want to reassure him. I want to hold him, to make him see that no one is ever going to hurt him ever again. But I can't- I can't guarantee that and I can't let him know that I want to.

I stand and walk over to him, sitting down beside him. I don't know what makes me nudge him. He looks at me, his eyes unfathomable. I blush; look away.

"I- I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for yelling at you."

I glance back at him to see him nod, then clear his throat. He looks uncomfortable and I try not to feel better because of it.

"I'm sorry, too, Kara."

I nod, and we stare into the fire together. I think about what he said earlier, about being out of ideas on how we'll get to the Earth Kingdom. I don't know what makes me speak, but I find myself surprised to hear my voice.

"Why are we going to Ba Sing Se, Zuko?"

He looks at me, and I can see the surprise etched on his sharply handsome face. The scar across his left eye looks darker than it is; the flickering firelight glints in his deep amber eyes and I find myself mesmerized by the play of shadow across his face; the way his right eye is shadowed but still more expressive than his left; the way his lips purse slightly as he thinks; his burned ear in contrast to the black of his hair.

I think, not for the first time, that he is beautiful.

Even with the scar, even with the years of anger etched onto his face- he is beautiful. I want to trace his scar, but I stop my hand just as it lifts from my lap.

I'm supposed to hate him!

But I don't.

That scares me, and my fear keeps me from him as surely as the moon must keep from the sun.

"My Uncle is in Ba Sing Se. We're going to find him." His voice startles me- I hadn't expected an answer.

I don't bother to hide my confusion. "Your uncle?"

He smiles, and my breath catches. This isn't like the other smiles he's given me lately- they were brittle and hard and didn't reach his eyes.

But this smile transforms his whole face- his eyes glitter, his lips curve enticingly; he is made of light. It's a bigger version of his half-smile, and my heart stops, then beats faster and faster, and I just know that he can hear it beating.

I flush and look away, glad that his eyes are on the fire and not on me.

"Yeah. Uncle went to Ba Sing Se- he wanted me to go with him but I didn't. I- couldn't." His smile is gone, his eyes far away with some pain that I don't know about, can't touch. Can't heal.

"There's another way."

He looks at me sharply, dragged back to the present by my hesitant words.

"To Ba Sing Se?"

I nod. "Yeah. But it's dangerous, Zuko- only the truly desperate use it."

"We're desperate."

I nod. "It's called the Serpent's Pass. Can I see the map?" Zuko stands and goes to his bag, rummaging around until he comes up with the map we got from a merchant in Gaipan a few days ago.

We roll it out and I study it- it's just the Earth Kingdom, but it seems fairly accurate. I can trace our path from Sen, though Aki's village isn't on it. We followed one of the biggest northern rivers down past the Ruins of Taku. My finger traces our route to the Lake, then our journey inland to Gaipan.

From there we crossed another of the Lake's rivers, which we shouldn't have done. We should have headed back north and then east, crossed the Little Rivers and then gone back south to Ba Sing Se. But we didn't know that until we were on the ferry across the river and looked at the map. We didn't have enough money to cross back again, and as far as I can tell we're now about a week's walk from the Serpent's Pass. I ignore my gut as it clenches in fear- if half the stories I've heard about the pass are true then Zuko and I don't want to go anywhere near it.

But like he said, we're desperate, and we don't have a choice. Unless we somehow come up with the money to cross not only the Lake's river back to Gaipan but the other rivers as well, it'll never happen. And even if we did, taking the Serpent's pass will cut our travel time in thirds, maybe even fourths.

But I still can't help but be afraid.

Everything in me is rebelling against taking the Serpent's Pass, but if it's all we can do... then it's all we can do.

Another part of me is rebelling at the idea of doing this for Zuko, for my enemy. At the same time, though, I can't imagine doing anything else, being anywhere else. I don't know what I want and it's confusing me, scaring me.

All I know for sure is that I must resist these feelings; that I can't let myself like Zuko, or relate to him, because he is my enemy.

He will never be my friend, no matter what happens.

I glance up to see his eyes following the path my fingers took, resting at last on the thin stem of land passing through the Lake, first overlooking Full Moon Bay, then narrowing into a seemingly impassable stretch of what appear to be cliffs. At least, I assume that's what the white dots are.

Zuko's eyes raise to mine, and despite my best efforts I find myself entranced once again by their glistening depths.

It's not fair for anyone to have such beautiful eyes.

He smiles at me again- that same, heartrending half-smile.

"Get some sleep, Kara. We'll leave in the morning."

I nod and slip away from him, falling onto my blanket with a soft thud. I want to stop myself from connecting to him, I really do.

I wish I understood why I can't.

_________________

Whooop! An update SOONER than expected... :D

COMMENT vote be smarticles... and above all ENJOY the story, ENJOY IT! :D

-Eon