Reading Between The Lyrics

Reading Between The Lyrics - Chp 6 {I Want To Be Worth Your Fight}

'I'm ready to fall now; yet you’re nowhere near to catch me. I'm falling now, and it's all without grace. I'm ready to feel and breathe right but I'm kicked back to what I was before. A broken shell is all I'm ever going to be, someone let me in and let me be. Someone let me stay, and someone hold me tight. Oh please somebody, anybody baby, hold me tight and tell me I'm worth the fight.' – Riley May – I Want To Be Worth Your Fight

A couple days had passed and yet there was still no contact made I’d never encountered anything like it and in all honesty I was too stubborn and had too much pride to send another clingy, desperate text. If he wanted to find me he knew how to find me.

That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, no my chest felt tightened, constricted and as if my ribs had broken and now there was nothing protecting my heart and lungs, as if all this weight was tightly sitting on my chest and any minute I’d turn blue and start spluttering for breath. Many times I found myself with twitching fingers, tempted greatly to cave and make contact, to just be the damsel in distress like all those other girls despite how I had forced myself to promise myself to never be that weak, never to become that vulnerable.

Yet I was that girl; I was the vulnerable broken hearted girl.

And that scared me.

Another part of me, the reasonable voice that didn’t won’t me to be this stubborn fool had me questioning if maybe Maddie hadn’t passed on the message, that’s why he hadn’t called. Maybe he thought I was ignoring him. Yet that in itself also didn’t make sense, because although I hated admitting it, I have had my days where I purposely ignored him. Not for spite or because I was mad at him, no it was when I had those bad days where I wanted to curl up into a ball and just reflect and be depressed, my weak days. Yet no matter those days Chad would still barge in through my bedroom door and drag me out of bed, deny me in the slightest the chance to fall into such vulgar clutches.

He’d sweep in like Prince Charming, my Prince Charming I thought softly to myself.

So why wasn’t he here? Even if Maddie hadn’t passed on the message or he didn’t get my text message he should have still tried making contact!

Another part of me sadly asked why was I always making Chad do all the work, make the first move? Maybe that’s why he hadn’t, maybe he was sick of always making the effort, sick of eliminating the gap between us.

Yet what scared me the most, what question frightened me beyond means was the voice that asked me; why was I so worked up over this? I was acting as if I had never been a day without Chad and the longer I thought and reflected I realized I honestly hadn’t. Even if it was one simple text or to the extreme of living in each other’s pocket we found a way to be a part of one another’s day no matter the cost. The more I looked back on things I realized how reliant I am on Chad, how everything within me was solely focused and surrounding Chad, shoot my whole day apparently was ruined if he didn’t give me a call or a text message. If we were dating that’d be classified as extreme clinginess. What scared me most though was that we weren’t dating and yet I was acting as if we were. How was Chad meant to cope with the rest of his life and actually settle down with someone when his deranged and needy best friend was constantly dropping by?

It left me with one question that pushed me over fear’s edge and that was; was it time that I let Chad go?

♫

Walking into the mall by myself I felt odd, sitting in the food eatery I felt social inept, sitting outside the doughnut shop eating doughnuts for one I felt dejected.

It was there I sat as I stirred my straw in my chocolate milkshake that I pondered on my life and how much things would change if Chad and I really did fall apart. I was after all so reliant on him and we shared so many traditions, even buying doughnuts and going to the mall without him felt wrong! How was I going to do anything and not feel miserable?