A Supernatural Kind of Day

Chapter Ten

            I had never been this conflicted in my life. I thought I had been that conflicted once. There was time in the sixth grade where I had to choose between my "boyfriend" or my hobby - choir. I loved choir but I also loved - or thought I loved, John but ultimately I chose what I knew, I chose safety. I knew my hobby would never desert me, I could desert it but it would never desert me like John did. It took me weeks to figure that out though, but when I chose choir over John he didn't even seemed hurt that I chose something else for him, he almost looked relieved. In this situation I don't think I could handle Cas looking relieved seeing me leave. What message did that send? At the sametime what if my mother and family were relieved when I didn't come home. I'd been in their bunker for almost three weeks and nothing. No change in my feelings for Cas, no desire to go but every single desire to go home.

          Cas had gone out for a case with Dean and Sam stayed behind to babysit me but of course he called it "hanging out". I would have rathered Dean stay behind because it meant that he couldn't kill and use the mark but he insisted. In my room my face paralleled the ceiling, my outward appearance described as calm even serene but on the inside was a storm of confusion.

Sam knocked on the door and came in.

"Hey, whatcha doin'?" He asked.

"I'm trying to find the answer," I responded vaguely. Sam came in further.

"The answer to what?" he asked, his head now in my view.

"Whether or not I should keep trying to find a way home or just accept that I'm here and be happy," I sighed.

"May I join you?" Sam asked, rubbing his jaw. I nodded and then felt the weight of the bed go down. "So are you telling me that you're giving up?" he asked. I shrugged against the bed.

"I don't know, I don't think so. I want to go home but I don't want to be so obsessed with going home that I lose Cas in the process but if I do end up going home I'm going to lose him anyway. There's just no winning."

"Back at the warehouse when you were talking to Cas, telling him about your home life it didn't sound all that great. Just from the things you said about your mom and everything, would it really be so terrible that you stayed?" he asked. My head snapped away from the ceiling and towards the shaggy haired Winchester.

"You heard me?" I asked my voice high and shrill with embarrassment.

"Yeah, but would it?" he repeated.

"That's the question I'm trying to answer. On the one hand I have an adventure as a life and a boyfriend, a boyfriend I never in a million years thought I'd get but on the other I have normality. It's weird but I kinda miss the normality and dullness that is my real life. I kind of miss my mom bantering me and my dad being uninvolved, you know?" Sam raised his eyebrows knowingly.

"Yeah."

"Do you ever miss John - er - your dad I mean?" I asked, my eyes focusing on Sam's face. He was silent for a while, his jaw tensing, his eyes blinking.

"Sometimes, over the years he's become more memory than anything," he answered.

"I don't want my mom to be a memory," I whispered, emotion rising in my throat and eyes.

"Then let's go to the books and find a way to get you home unless something or someone stops you." Sam sat up and held his hand out to me. Taking it he hoisted me off of my bed then we walked to the library and began researching.

After a few hours of turning pages and thinking about what Sam and I talked about I decided to do something that I felt wasn't going to work but the thought nagged every nook and cranny of my brain so I had to obey.