The Older We Get

Chapter 75

                It's so quiet. I don't know how many times I'll have to realize that tonight.

It's cold too. It'd be warm in Sage's arms, but I'm scared to even touch her right now.

That's why I'm still standing here, looking away from her processing what I just said like it blanked out her mind and I'm holding my breath before realizing I give up.

If I leave now, then something bad won't happen, so I can breathe easier, even though I'm dying as of this moment.

I feel...

Empty.

Hollow.

Lifeless.

Dead.

Any other word to get close to exactly how soulless I am, how I probably will remain, until I can't find a reason to stick around anymore.

Without Sage, there's undoubtedly no point. I can at least die knowing she'll be ok, alive, and one day happy. She'll be happy again. That's enough for me.

"Sage?" I force out some sound and make my hand reach into my pocket. First thing I see is her still thinking, still living, still crying, and I'm actually glad for once that I don't unlock depression in her.

Maybe in the past I'd have been a brat and thought I wasn't important enough to make her feel a certain way, I have no doubt that she's in love with me which even now sends me over the moon and other objects, but if I became any more important to her, she'd probably end up similar to my end.

I'm like a dead zombie inside.

Days will pass, then weeks, then months, and more or less, by next year I'll be in the ground.

But her. It won't happen, cuz I caught it in time.

I can still save her from getting hurt, and from loving me too much.

But fvck! That doesn't make this any easier!

Nothing I say makes me feel any less selfish!

I want to cry and scream, yell, get violent, say it's not fair!

Say I fvcking hate whatever the fvck this damm curse is that I can't seem to shake out of my head, anything to express even the slightest way I'm feeling.

I want to hold Sage and love her and go somewhere no one will find us so we can do what we've wanted to do with one another for what seems like forever, to join and share a feeling of physical depth that sprouts from emotional bonds.

I don't want to do this!

I'd rather cut out my own heart, anything just as drastic if only to keep this woman from feeling even an ounce of pain.

But I can't.

I can't do that either.

I'm done.

I'm helpless.

More than that.

Maybe less than that.