The Fighter

Chapter 44

After everything was cleaned up and put away, Kyle and I sat on top of the engine in the hose bed. Our feet were dangling off the back. "What's going on up in that head of yours?" he asked. I shook my head and sighed. "I'm not exactly sure. I had this dream, we were in a house fire. I didn't know who my partner was, but I lost them. Then, while I was looking for them, I found a victim, and it was Greg. I couldn't get him out. I tried to give him my air, but he wouldn't take it. I tried to stay with him, but he wouldn't let me. He made me leave him there. He told me that he's already gone, that I could live without him that he loved me, and he's never gone for too long, he always comes back. I told him that there was no way for him to come back this time and he said that he will and I'll know when he's there." I wiped my eyes before the tears escaped. "Is that why you've been so weird today?" "Yeah, I just can't get him out of my head. He's there when I'm awake, he's there when I'm asleep, and he's there when I just want to close my eyes for two seconds! What the Hell is wrong with me?!"I laid back and groaned. "Everything." Ky laughed. "Kyle! Shut up! I seriously have to kick this!" "And, how do you suppose that you're going to do that? You're not going to get back together with John again right?" "Hell no! But, there is a lot for me to do that'll keep me busy." "Like what?" "I don't know. But, I'm not going to be able to do anything if Chief thinks that I'm unstable." I glared at him. "It was, what was best for you. And, after hearing about your dream I think I made the right choice."
"Kyle, I love you and you are my best friend, but you have no idea what is going on in my head. You have no idea how any of this feels. I know my limitations, I know how much that I can take. And, trust me when I say that I am just as able as I was before this happened. Yes, I loved him. I loved him more than anything in the world, but I know where to separate myself from my fire job and my personal feelings." I was so mad. "Mick, I did it for your own good." "But it didn't help me at all! I was worse just sitting there all alone with NOTHING to do, then I would've been on scene. You shouldn't have made that call!" "But I did. So, get over it! Mickie, you're just like he was. Reckless and self destructive. That's why you went running to John after Greg left. Even though in your past relationship with him, he put you through the wall! No one in their right minds goes back to someone who does that! So, I got scared and I did what was right, whether you think it was or not!" "Why the hell do you always have to butt in?! I can handle things on my own!" "You can't always handle things! I was protecting you! Like I always do, like I've always done, and like I always will!" "Why?! Why do you do that? My own brother doesn't even do that!" I was pissed. "I do it because I care about you! And I wouldn't know what I would do if I lost you! Don't you get it!?" He yelled back! "I guess not! I apparently never get it Kyle!" "You are so stubborn and frustrating! I could just..... Ugh!" He got up and so did I. "Could just what Ky? Hit me?" "No! I would never do that to you! I would never hurt you!" "Why not Ky?" I got close to him and tried not to lose it. "Because, I love you!" "What?" I stopped and just looked at him. He put his hands on my cheeks and pulled
me into a kiss. "You heard me." "No. Ky, I just.... I'm sorry." I turned around and left.
I couldn't believe that he did that. I couldn't take it. I couldn't deal with it. Especially, not now.
I ended up at Gavin's. Avery was so excited to see me. Gavin knew that something was wrong. So, he and I went and sat on his porch. "So, tell me what's going on." He turned toward me. "Kyle kissed me. We got into a fight, he told me that he loves me and he kissed me." I sighed. "Finally!" "No, not finally! I know that everyone thinks that we belong together, but we don't." "And why not?" "Because, I just don't feel the same. He's like a brother to me. I love him, but not like that." "Not even one bit?" "No. I loved Greg. I loved him with all of my heart and now that he's gone, I don't know what to do. How do you lose the love of your life and just... Move on?" I asked trying not to cry. "You have to heal first. You have to be ready to move on, or you'll never really move on." "How am I supposed to heal, when he's all I think about, and all I see every time I close my eyes?"
"Mickie, it's not going to be right away. It's still fresh, and you only lost him a few days ago. Give your self sometime to clear your head. You can do this. You dealt with losing Mom, taking Dad's abuse, and taking care of Avvy for the longest time. I will never know how you managed to do it all, especially at the same time." "I had to deal with it. For you, for Avvy, and for myself. This is way different. He made me so happy, feel so loved, and so alive. I'm afraid that I will never feel like that again. I've had a few boyfriends, but I never felt for them what I had felt for him. And, we had a shot, we had a real shot. Now, we just don't." "Mickie Anne Duke, you listen to me right now. You loved him so much and he loved you so much too. There was nothing that you could've done to prevent this. Things will always happen the way they are supposed to. And, this sucks. I know it does. His life is over, but yours is not. Give yourself sometime. This isn't just going to happen overnight, you have a long road ahead of you. But, you are not alone. You have your fire family and you have your other family. And, none of us are going to leave you hanging. We love you." "I love you too." I hugged Gavin and cried. He was right, this was going to be a long road, but in the words of a friend "I got this." Or at least I hope so.