Should've Been Us (Camren)

XIII

Camila's POV

As I'm wrapped in the strong, yet gentle arms of my girlfriend, I can't help but feel alone. Despite her being here with me physically, I can sense her mind is elsewhere. Lauren undoubtedly makes me happy, but there's still something missing. There's always a lingering sadness inside of me that no amount of Lauren Jauregui can cure.

Lately, going about daily activities has become increasingly difficult. I never want to get out of bed, it's hard to eat, and whenever Lauren isn't around I drink heavily. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. Right? The alcohol helps numb the pain I'm feeling every single day, and that's what I need to feel. Nothing. I don't want to become dependent on the liquid, but it looks as though that is the case. I find myself counting down the minutes until my next cocktail. Shutting myself inside the bathroom at work to sneak a few sips. Popping in gum and praying that no one can tell. What has my life come to?

I'm not sure how long I stayed lost in thought, but I came back to reality upon hearing the sound of Lauren's low voice. "Are you okay? You completely zoned out for like at least ten minutes." She sounded genuinely worried but I couldn't care less. I was in my dark place by now. "I think you should go. I kind of just want to be alone right now." Who knew my voice could sound so emotionless? "Oh. Okay..." The older woman stood up hesitantly. "Are you sure you're okay Camz? I don't want to leave you alone if you're feeling down." I sat there, arms folded without looking in her direction. "Alright I'll go. I love you Camila." She said seriously as she swung on her jacket. Lauren bent down to place an innocent kiss on my lips, which went unreciprocated.

When I heard the door click, I bolted off the couch and found myself planted in front of the liquor cabinet. It's funny that I'm into alcohol these days, I'd never been much of a drinker in the past. People would have to fight just to get me to have one drink. Now, I can polish off a bottle and a half of vodka as if I were drinking bottles of water. Soon enough I was inebriated beyond belief and sprawled out naked on my bed. Normally I drink to ditch the thoughts in my head, but today I was flooded with negative ones of myself as well as others.

I really hate Normani.

That was the main one swimming around inside my brain. She singlehandedly made me feel inadequate in every way. I'll never be as pretty as her. My teeth will never be as white and straight as hers. I'll most definitely never have the body she has. She literally has the most amazing muscle tone I've ever seen on a woman. And don't get me started on her sense of style. Part of me wondered why Lauren was still with me. I'm not poised by any means, and I barely smile. Normani is always smiling. Fuck her and those perfect teeth. I'd like to bash them in with a sledgehammer. Smile at that, bitch.

I'll never be enough.

It's true. I'll never be enough for anyone. I wasn't enough to keep Sasha around, what makes me think I'll keep Lauren around too? It's only a matter of time before she completely realizes what a piece of shit I am and leaves me. Lauren is so beautiful, why is she dating someone as ugly as me? She can have anyone she wants, why me? Maybe I'm not the only one? No, Lauren isn't that heartless, that's ridiculous.

Why am I so pathetic?

Lying here crying over things I can't change. Negativity never takes you anywhere in life. Yet here I am hating the world. I really need help. I know I do, but I feel as though I can get better on my own. I don't want people to think I'm crazy if I'm on some sort of medication. Maybe I need more positive influences in my life. Yeah, that's it...

I'm not sure when I passed out but when I opened my eyes it was seven in the morning. After stretching and staring at the ceiling for a bit, I reached for my phone to see if there were any new notifications. A few texts from Lauren and one from Dinah. I decided to open the one from Dinah first. She wants to hang out today, so I type out a response saying I would. Hopefully she can help me get some positivity in my life. The texts from Lauren were just her asking if I'm okay, and telling me goodnight. I don't bother replying and toss my phone to the side. Sometimes I just need a little time away from her. Nothing personal, I want to enjoy my alone time.