Trepidation JJK FF

二十七

I kept on telling you everything that happened
every time I visit you
all of us were very tired
of waiting
and we just wanted you to wake up
I did not want to leave you
because your case was worsening
but I had to
for my future
I haven't cut myself because jimin
kept on reminding me, that you'll
not like it
it was already Friday
and I can't wait to get home and
return to Busan
everything went smoothly this week
some of them started to be good to me
they finally recognized me
but it has been three months
jungkook, but why aren't you waking up
I know it seems delusional for me to say
because you have a brain tumor
but I will be fine if you just wake up for
only a moment
and if you die afterwards
I think I might be able
to breathe
to live
to accept your death
because at least you woke up
and I had the chance to say how much I love you
so please wake up

our class was disrupted when taehyung excused me
from attending
what?
I can see his teary eyes
and I sense that I might not like
what he'll say 
he looked away as we walked
his jaw clenching from time to time
I grabbed his wrist and that stopped him from walking
he turned around
his lips were trembling as if he was scared,
of telling me something
that I wouldn't like
"what happened taehyung? please, tell me. "
I was desperate to know the answer
but I wished that I just kept my
mouth shut
seconds ago
when he told me
that jungkook
was already brain dead
I laughed
yes, I did
"are you sure, tae? I asked the doctors last week and they said that they will find a way."
letting the condition worsen
is that the "way" that they were talking about?
how convenient
"it's true, sura. now, let's go, jungkook's waiting for us."
I cried
on the way home
I packed a one week supply of
clothing
I don't care if I'll miss a ton of topics in school
jungkook needs me
so I'll stay with him
we arrived at the hospital
I hugged the others
and they weren't the people whom I used to know
they were broken
and so am i
all of their eyes were puffy
I found yoongi and seokjin inside his room
I greeted them
and I also greeted jungkook
I know
that he won't respond but I don't care
I kissed his forehead and fixed his bangs
"yah, they said that only this crappy machine is helping your heart beat."
I held his hand
it was cold and I started to rub it
yoongi looked at me
with pity
I smiled at him
forced
obviously smeared with sadness
he patted my shoulder and said that he will talk to jungkook's doctor
seokjin said that he will follow namjoon because he made a scene earlier and the hospital
was not letting him in the premises
"jungkook, I know you'll not be able to wake up anymore and I know that you won't be able to hear what I'm saying right now.
but, I love you okay? I really do."
I held his hand tighter
I'm not ready to let go of you yet
I am so exhausted from crying
but I can't help it
because of all of the people
the people that I have lost
losing you
will kill me even
more

losing you would kill me in just a snap of a finger

"jungkook, I'm sorry, I really am, for not showing fully how much I love you. because I was too scared, thinking that you might leave me someday and I am regretting all of that now. look, you- you'll now leave me. I should not have thought of the things that might happen in the future. I should have just focused on the present. the times you were still with me. I missed the moments that you would smile at me so my mood will be up, but I guess I would not be able to witness that smile of yours anymore."