Sub Zero

Chapter Twenty Two

I wake up in my gurney. I stretch my frail arms, grateful for the little sleep I got, even if it was forced. At least when I'm sedated I don't have very many nightmares.

Exactly two months ago, my mom had visited me. We were supervised by a horde of nurses, so privacy was out of the question. We never said anything to each other during the twenty minutes we were permitted. We just stared at one another like strangers, our eyes swimming with questions that will never be answered and frustration that will never be expressed.

To be honest, it hurt me to see my mom like that. She looked like she was afraid of me. Like I was some kind of monster. What have I become?

It was only when one of the nurses declared that our time was up that my mom smiled at me. "I love you." She whispered. I tried to return the smile, but ended up with a grimacing. I looked out the open window of the lobby, avoiding her gaze. The curtains fluttered in the breeze. "I love you too." I muttered. She had cringed at the effort it took me to say it. She sighed. "Bye, Crystal."

I grunted in response, continuing to stare out the window. "Maybe," I thought, "I can someday turn into a snowflake and be carried out of here. Far Away from here. Maybe, just maybe, I'll melt."

I look down at my pale arms. The wounds from the IVs have healed, but have left me with jagged, purple scars that run from the middle of my forearms to my wrists. They sometimes ache when I get worked up, reminding me that I was once free. That I had the ability to hurt, of to feel.

My thoughts drift to a mess of red hair that shields kind, dark eyes. Soft lips curl up into a cheeky grin, flashing me perfectly white teeth, vividly bright against tanned skin. I bite my lip as the memories bring a flood of emotions. I blink back tears as his laugh echoes through my mind, and his soft hands cup my face. He made me feel like I was worth something. He was the light that chased away my demons. He was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. And he's gone.

The salty tears sting my eyes and slip down my cheeks. Sobs violently rake my whole body, tearing through me and causing me to shake and gasp. My chest begins to ache and my lungs scream as I gasp for air. "Finn!" I sob.

Someone bangs on my door. "Shut up you crazy bitch!" It's the night guard. I bite my lip so hard that the metallic taste of blood fills my mouth. I curl up into a ball, shaking and crying. "I'm so pathetic." I think. I draw in another shaky breath and stand from my gurney. I make my way over to the mirror, and stare at myself. My skin is pale. My eyes are dull and cradled by dark circles. My once plump, healthy cheeks are sunk in, and my nearly white hair is tangled. Pathetic.

I uselessly punch the mirror, which results in more banging on the door and bloody knuckles. The glass didn't even crack.