letters to dan // dan smith

Chapter 11

Mid-week, Wednesday to be precise, Beth receives a phone call from Dan. The call, however, is during a history lecture, and when Beth's phone goes off she is mortified. A slightly intoxicated Dan had recorded himself speaking and set it as her ringtone; "Hey Bethy, you know I love you, right? You're perfect and special and beautiful and I love everything--"

She bolts out the door and answers, assuming something must have happened.

"Hello?" she asks, slightly panicked.

"Beth? Hi." Dan replies.

"Thanks for calling me mid-lecture Dan, I thought something had happened," she says grumpily.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't check the time. I'll call you back?"

"No, it's okay, there's only five minutes left anyway. Why'd you call?"

"Do you wanna go somewhere? I want you to read something for me."

"Sure. Rosie's at 12?"

Dan agrees, they say their goodbye's and hang up. Beth texts Elsa.

dan wants to meet up. can you take my stuff please? ill pick up later xx

Less than 20 seconds later, she has a reply.

sure, no problem. ill be out till late, so let yourself in. ill put it on the coffee table x

Beth thanks Elsa and heads off to Rosie's, only a five minute walk from the university.

For once, Beth and Dan arrive at the same time, so there's no arguing about being late.

"Hey," Dan wraps his arm around her waist in a sort of one armed hug, and in return Beth stands on her tip-toes and kisses his cheek.

"Where shall we sit?" Beth asks, smiling because she already knows the answer.

"Maybe... That little table at the back?" Dan suggests.

"Gosh Daniel, we sit there every time. You're so boring," she jokes, leading him over to the counter first.

"Hi Maria," she smiles at the elderly woman.

"Hello sweetie, what would you two lovebirds like? The usual?" The two of them had become regular customers at the cafe, making a weekly appearance at least.

Beth nods and Dan says thanks and they take their seat at the little table at the back of the cafe. Beth plays with the fake flowers in the plastic vase while Dan rummages through his pockets, searching for something.

"What are you looking for?" Beth asks, looking at him with a smirk.

"I, um, hang on," he stands up and reaches into his back jean pocket, but to no avail, "I must have left it in the car, one sec."

Dan walks out of the cafe just as Maria brings over Beth's hot chocolate and Dan's tea and muffin.

"How are things with Dan darling?" Maria asks Beth, smiling at the younger girl.

"Oh, he's wonderful! He's so sweet and kind and thoughtful and--" Beth gushes, but is cut of by Maria's soft laugh.

"What?" Beth blushes.

"Oh honey, you're completely smitten. And so is the young man. I'm really happy for you Bethany," she tells her, taking her tray and leaving Beth to her own thoughts. Maria had sort of become Beth's adoptive mother when she'd made the move from Manchester, and called Beth every other day to check on her and just to chat.

"Found it," Dan says triumphantly, appearing in front of her. He's holding up an envelope.

"Oh no," Beth groans.

"No, listen. I want you to read this to me, okay? I read this at home, and I want you to read it, because what you wrote is significant and important and applies to both of us. We both need to hear this said out loud," he says, passing her the envelope. Seeing the determined look on his face, she realises there's no backing out of this, and with a sigh she takes the envelope. She opens it and begins to read.

Hi Dan. I was listening to a song today, I won't tell you what song yet, because otherwise you won't understand. I realised something. That since I've moved I've become happier. For long enough, I lied to myself. I told myself I was fine and nothing was wrong. After a while I began to believe it, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I was okay.

So, this song, Oblivion. I'm sure you're familiar with it, you did write it after all. Usually, when I listen to it, I cry. I think about bad things. But today, I was on the bus when I heard it, I didn't even realise what I'd listened to until it was over. I usually tear up on the first word, it had become a reflex at some point. But nothing happened today. I think I may truly be better. I lied to myself for long enough, and I began to believe it.

I think that's my new coping strategy. If you tell yourself something long enough, if you hear it enough time, it sticks in your head. It becomes a part of you. You start to believe it, and you don't think otherwise.

I've basically brainwashed myself. I've made myself believe that I'm happy, and now, maybe I actually am.

Thanks Dan, for everything.

Love Beth.

"So?" Dan asks, "what do you think?"

Beth looks sceptical, "I think it's a load of bullshit I read from some website when I was twelve."

"Look at the date," Dan suggests.

Four months ago. It was written only four months ago. Two months after she'd written it, she'd met Dan. And was she happy?

Yes.

"Okay, fine. But why did I have to read this?" She asks.

"Well, that's the not-so-good part. The British leg of tour starts up again in a month. It's going to be hard for me, and I'm assuming it'll be hard for you too. So, as of right now, we need to start telling ourselves we'll survive without each other. It's only for four weeks, I'm sure we'll be okay. Well, you will, but to me, you're significant. You remember I told you how much Steph helped me? You're that times ten." Dan finishes.

Beth drains the last of her hot chocolate, and doesn't say anything for a bit.

"Beth?" Dan looks concerned.

"I agree. I agree with everything you just said. We'll survive, Dan. It's only four weeks. I'll buy myself an advent calender and count down the days. I'll survive with the help of my trusty friend, chocolate," she grins, and Dan sighs in relief, glad she took the news of the up-coming tour so well.

"So do I get backstage passes to the London show?" She asks, batting her eyelashes.

"Oh, so that's why you're so calm about this, you just want gig tickets. I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks Dan. I love you," she blows him a kiss.