letters to dan // dan smith

Chapter 26

a/n

in the second(ish) half of the chapter, it starts to switch pov’s. beth’s pov is in italics  and dan’s pov is in normal font

enjoy x

Chapter 26

“I’m afraid I have some bad news.” She clears her throat, glancing down at her papers and pushing her glasses further up her nose. “Bethany, I’m so so sorry, I don’t know how to break it to you other than just saying it, but you’ve got brain tumour developing at the back of your head, right near your spine-”

Beth lets out a choked sob and covers her mouth.

“Now usually, there are treatments available, but in your situation,” she nods towards Beth’s stomach, “most of them really aren’t an option. As well as the pregnancy, the tumour is in such a spot that it cannot be removed surgically, because it’s a risk of damaging your spinal cord. If you wish, we can put you in labour slightly earlier than the due date, so as to start the treatment sooner. Now you need to understand that these treatments are not guaranteed to work, and having a child before the due date is risky. The choice is up to you two though.” She pauses, to collect her thoughts and figure out where to go from here. “I can, um, get you a counsellor if you’d like, or would you just like to be left alone for a bit?”

Neither of them answers. “I’ll go get a counsellor for you then-”

“No, that’s alright. Could we just have a few moments to ourselves please?” Dan says.

“Of course,” she’s surprised by how calm he seems, how steady his voice is. Beth is biting her lip and blinking hard, tilting her head back. I know this trick, the doctor thinks, and just as she suspected, the moment she steps out of the room, she hears Beth break into sobs. They aren’t cries of pain, or anguish or desperation, they are cries of pure fear, and the sound sends shivers up her spine.

***

Oh my god. Oh my god oh my god oh my god. What’s going on oh my god am I going to die? What about the baby what about my family what about Dan? What about all the unsaid words and the things I haven’t seen and the places I haven’t been? What am I going to do?

My mind is blank. I can’t think. I can’t do anything and my mind is as frozen as my body and from the corner of my eye I see Beth crying and I want to help and comfort her but I’m helpless and paralysed with fear and I can’t.

Dan is unmoving. Emotionless. His face is blank. Stunned. I shake him. Say his name. Nothing.

“Dan,” I mutter. “Dan.”

I can feel Beth shaking me and I can hear her saying my name. Finally, I turn, look her in the face.

I watch in fascination as Dan’s face crumples. I watch the blank mask on his face shatter and I stare as his eyes fill with tears and his lips tremble. Dan, who’d been so good at staying positive, at hiding his emotions. Dan, who’s the sunshine in my life. Crying.

I feel awful for crying, because I need to stay strong for Beth. She must be terrified, and I’m sitting here crying like a baby. Baby. Oh no. I sniff and wipe at my eyes, suddenly desperate to get out of this suffocating hospital room. I stand.

“Come on Beth. Let’s go.” When I offer her my hand, she takes it and hand in hand, we leave.

***

I’d more or less managed to keep my composure in the hospital. Kept my crying under control whilst we’d made the next appointment and spoken to the doctor, who looked like she’d been crying herself.

“I’m so sorry,” she kept telling us.

Once we got home, I had the difficult job of calling mum, Elsa, Holly and nana. They all cried, except Elsa, because well… she’s Elsa. Elsa got mad; I heard her kicking something in the background. She thought she’d hung up. She was swearing and hitting stuff and making choked sobbing noises even though I knew she wasn’t crying because I’d seen this before. Mum cried and cried and cried, and I basically had to beg her not to come up to London, because she would smother me and be a constant reminder of what was happening, and as awful a person I may be, I really wanted to spend my last months with my fiancée, not my crying mother and confused little brother and depressed dad, who reeked of cigarette smoke when he was upset. I want to spend this time with Dan, because he is the father of our child and I know that I will have a good time with him.

I need these last few months… No… I can’t think that without having to swallow a lump from my throat. I need to make it special. I need Beth’s bucket list.

Dan asks for my bucket list, and all I have for him is a list of places I want to travel to. A list of places I will never see. And I think he knows it, because I hear him mutter “I’ll figure something out,” and I want to hold him and tell him not to worry because we still have months to go and I want it to be special. I don’t want Dan to be upset.

“Beth,” I tell her, “I need you to write down ten things you want to do. I don’t care about the price or how far away it is. I want a list of ten things, okay?”

“I’m tired Dan, I’ll do it tomorrow,” she replies, and in truth, she does look tired. She looks exhausted as she strips off her pants and climbs into bed in just her t shirt.

Dan climbs into bed with me and holds me close under the covers, his heat seeping through my t shirt, warming my back. I turn and bury my head in his chest, crying until my eyes are red and itch, and his shirt is damp. When I’m done, I move in closer to him, and his lips are pressed against my forehead and every part of my body is connected to Dan’s and he strokes my back and my bare arm and even all the closeness doesn’t fulfil my sudden longing for human warmth and my craving to be touched.

***

I wake first, and for a long, long time I lie there, looking at Beth’s sleeping face. Her eyelids are red from last night’s crying. I don’t know what she’s dreaming of, but the back of her neck is damp and her hair sticks. I kiss her everywhere. I kiss her cheeks and her nose and her eyelids and her temple and her lips, and she smiles lightly in her sleep. I realise now that she isn’t as asleep as I thought she was.

While Dan makes breakfast, which I’m not really hungry for, I write the bucket list Dan demanded. Choosing only ten things proves much harder than what I thought. In the end, I tell him to surprise me. I don’t have much time left, and as much as I hate surprises, I know Dan will choose well. I want my last ten surprises.

 

a/n

im not very happy with this chapter i dont think i did the situation justice but whatever its the best i can do

the next chapter is better i swear

also i did promise a double update buuuttttt i'll post it tomorrow morning bc im using internet wifi atm

((pls dont murder me for what ive done i feel awful)))

(also in the coming chapters theres stuff about you know treatments etc. for beth and if i get anything wrong, don’t think i haven’t researched bc I have, i just needed to change up some stuff in order for the story to flow well)

kira x