letters to dan // dan smith

Chapter 15

Dan picks up the letters with shaking hands, nervous at what he would read. Whatever was in these letters, well, Beth hadn't wanted him to know, and now after the mess he'd caused, he wasn't sure if he wanted to know himself. But then again, he had caused this mess all because he'd wanted to read the letters. He had to read them. Dan picks up the first letter

Hey Dan.

So... the meeting with the school psychologist didn't go too great. She basically just asked me about my family and just completely irrelevant shit. By the time she finally got around to asking "how do you cope when you're sad" I was so fed up with her stupid questions I just told her I write a diary. I don't think I'll go back.

I read a quote a few days ago. It really made an impact on me. I think it'll be my suicide letter. Not for my family, for you. If I ever write you a letter with just this quote, I guess you'll know.

"There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don't. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry."

Oh no. Dan remembers this letter, from all those years ago. Oh, Beth.

It's just one of those things, you know?

I don't really know what else to say. Everything is getting worse. My life, my marks, my friendships. Even my music. I've nothing to write about. The world's not even black and white anymore, it's just grey. And sad. Like a rainy day without coffee.

Hope you're well Dan.

Love Beth xx

Jesus, Beth. Why didn't you tell me? Thoughts swirl around in Dan's mind as he picks up the next letter.

I'm sick of everything Dan.

I give up.

Everything's hopeless.

I want out.

I'm doing it tomorrow, okay? No one can stop me.

Tears prick Dan's eyes. He hadn't noticed this letter in the box. It must have been the last letter she'd written before she... He couldn't even think it. The next letter is slightly longer.

I hate it here.

It's due to my own stupidity that I'm here though. I can't even kill myself properly.

See, I'm always home half an hour before my brother. I got home, wrote a few letters, including the one for you, and then I took the pills. I was sort of half-crying, and my brother (who'd come home earlier) decided to check on my. He saw... Well, I'm not sure what he saw, but it was probably messy. At some point I'd decided I hadn't taken enough pills, so I'd cut my wrists too. So, I was lying semi-unconscious on the floor, bleeding and crying. I feel terrible. He wasn't supposed to find me like that. He called my mum, who'd called an ambulance.

They pumped my stomach and stopped the bleeding, and now I'm stuck in the hospital for three weeks. I have to see a psychologist every day. I'm lonely here. I'm not allowed visitors. Only family. Mum and dad are busy with work, and Jack can't get here on his own. So I'm alone. I've got my guitar though.

I wish you could visit me.

I know you can't though. Tour stuff, you're busy. And you don't know I exist.

I'm getting used to this though. It's quiet, and I'm looked after.

I know it's silly, but I feel safe.

Love Beth xx

To his horror, Dan realises he's crying properly now. He wipes his eyes hastily, so that none of the nurses notice. They're nosy as hell. He picks up the last letter before he loses control completely.

I'm leaving today.

I'm scared.

I'll be judged. People will stare.

I don't know how I'll do this. I'm mildly terrified.

I wrote a song about you yesterday. It's shit though, I'm not showing you.

Through the tears, Dan smiles slightly at this statement.

I have written you down now, you will live forever...

I don't know if I'll keep writing once I'm out of here.

I say that every time, don't I? I keep writing though, I always do.

I really don't want to leave, but at the same time I'm desperate to get out.

I think I'm going crazy.

Well, mum and dad are here. I better go.

Love Beth xx

That's it. That's the final letter. Dan knows everything now.

A feeling of a huge weight being lifted of his shoulders engulfs him, and he falls into a deep sleep.