letters to dan // dan smith

Chapter 30

I get up and shower and eat... Sometime. The hospital had taken Astrid, promising to look after her until I'm able to do it. It's been two days, I think. I'm okay, I keep telling myself. I'll get through this I mutter as I butter a slice of toast. I sit on the couch and force down the bread, scrolling through twitter on my phone, listening to music. I'm lost; I don't know what to do next. I need to pick up Astrid, I need to organise the funeral and do who knows what. I haven't been in our room since... then. But I need to get clean clothes and stuff for Astrid. I turn off my music and try to focus.

I can't finish the toast, so I go back into the kitchen and throw it out. From the kitchen, I can hear a phone ringing, but I know that it's not mine because it's right in my hand. It's Beth's... Oh my god. I freeze, and eventually it stops ringing. I unclench my fists. I walk slowly to the bedroom, stopping outside the door and inhaling deeply. The phone starts ringing again and I startle, the sound scaring me out of my thoughts. I exhale slowly and open the door, holding my breath as I cross the room and grab the phone, unplugging the charger. I almost sprint out of the room before answering the phone. 

I press it to my ear, waiting for someone to speak. 

"Beth? Hi!" 

It's Elsa. My heart sinks to my feet. 

"Elsa..." My voice cracks. "Elsa, it's Dan, hi."

"Oh hey! How's Beth? She sleeping? Sorry for calling so much, it's just been a while since we spoke. You know, with visiting her parents and then the hospital and then I wasn't sure if you were out yet and then-" She pauses, and I interrupt before she can speak again.

"Elsa, I... She's..." I lick my lips, trying to say the word out loud. "She's..." 

"She's what?" She sounds happy and I suddenly realise I can't tell her.

I try to say it, but to my horror the words come out as a choked sob. "She's..." I swallow back tears, but Elsa's figured it out.

"Oh no. Oh no oh no. No no no this can't happen. No." Her breaths come fast and shallow. 

"Elsa. Elsa."

She's dropped the phone, I think, because I hear a clattering sound. There's nothing I can do to help, and I don't want to listen to her break down the way I had two days ago, so I hang up, promising myself to visit her later.

Later.

After I've picked up Astrid. Which terrifies me because I have no clue how to look after her. I decide my best bet is to call mum, mine, not Beth’s, and hope she’s not too busy to come up and help me for a few days. So I do, and she says she’ll be here within a couple hours, and not to do anything stupid without her being there. We’ll go pick up Astrid together.

I calm down enough to pack a bag of stuff we might need for Astrid, but quickly realise that I don’t know what we’ll need. Eventually, I throw a bit of everything in and hope for the best. Then I clean a bit, doing dirty dishes and making the bed, because I know that if I don’t, mum will probably force me to come home. I don’t want her to think I can’t look after myself. I think back, trying to remember if Beth had ever told me what she wanted for a funeral, but I can’t remember. And then I realise I’m thinking of the funeral as if it were a birthday, and feel guilty. Then I think, maybe it is better to think of it that way, at least it’s not horribly depressing. I think back to everything’s she’s told me, and then I remember something that makes my heart pound.

Check the side pocket.

What side pocket? What was she wearing that day? No, pyjamas, that can’t be it. It might be a coat. Actually, it has to be. What else has a side pocket? I walk slowly over to the wardrobe near the front door, where we keep our warm clothes. I push aside coat after jacket after scarf, until I reach Beth’s favourite red coat. That’s got to be it. But why the hell would she put it in there? She hasn’t worn this coat since last winter, which was over 4 months ago. Beth is weird. Was weird, I correct myself. I take the coat out, and check all the pockets, finally pulling out a creased envelope. I know instantly what it is, and that right now, I can’t handle reading it.

I put it in my pocket, promising myself to read it later.

I’m okay,I tell myself, I’m okay.

One Year Later

Astrid grews quickly, looking more and more like Beth each day. It hurts, but at the same time it’s somewhat comforting, knowing that soon I’ll have a mini Beth to talk to. The jumper I’d knitted, the one she wore to the funeral, is her comfort toy now. It doesn’t fit anymore, but she sleeps with it. I’m happy, I really am, but Beth left a hole in my soul that I don’t think can ever be filled. I will look for someone, at some point. Just not yet. It’s stupid, I think, when people lose their loved ones and don’t look for new people. I’m not betraying anyone. I know Beth wanted me to be happy.

Elsa… Elsa was unwell for a long time after Beth’s passing, and had ended up moving back home to Manchester. Holly and I became extremely close though, and we sort of looked after each other for a while. She was there basically all the time to help me look after Astrid, too.  As were Kyle, Will and Woody. Kyle misses her the most, I think, out of the three of them.

Astrid and I had moved, into a slightly bigger house just outside of London, with a garden and nice neighbours. We kept our dog. I’d considered giving him to Beth’s brother, who’d taken a liking to him, but in the end decided against him. After all, I’ve always wanted a dog.

I’d quit the band indefinitely after Beth got sick, but I think I’d like to go back to it one day. Maybe when Astrid’s a bit older. I still write though, and play.

I think… I think that maybe everything that happened made me a better person. I think loving Beth made me kinder and happier, losing her made me stronger. Astrid gave me something to hold on to when I was so ready to let go.

Beginnings are usually scary, and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth fighting for.

The End.

 

Author’s note

I’m having somewhat of a crisis because I can’t believe I’ve finished this book. Thank you so so much to everyone who’s read, commented and voted. I know that this book didn’t start out great, but I think my writing improved greatly throughout this book, and I’d like to thank you (again) for sticking by me. Also, a massive thank you to Jasmine (@outkookdrive on here) for helping me with the plot and forcing me to write and having so many great ideas and just ily Jas thank you lots

Lots of love, Kira xx

p.s there is an epilogue coming!