Everything in Between

Chapter 8: A Spark in the Urban Lights

There's always that one pivotal moment in a journey to where that person was then. Before all the proposals and serenades, underneath this awesome exterior was a scared kid.

For me it began when we went to Disneyland on a family vacation. The moment was more on the city rather than the park and the rides.

After a stay at the giant talking mouse, my family and I wandered around the malls and crowded alleys and streets, feeling the cold December air around us as we walked. You could almost feel the lights getting ready to shine brighter as Christmas was only a few days away.

The whole day, we just walked and walked, and at night, there was no need for flashlights. The whole city lit up like fireworks; slowly, one by one, the signs were our shining beacons that night. It was already around 11 PM and we were still walking in the streets, just wandering around the bustling night life, which was oh-so surprisingly silent.

I said no words because as my feet were walking on the ground, my mind went on the wings of imagination once more. Mindlessly, my body moved as my mind took over my thoughts, and before I knew it, I was daydreaming.

Instead of parents and guardians, cousins and relatives, I honestly wanted it to be just me and her. Getting lost together and finding our way in the end.

Yes, folks, the one, the only, cheesy Nick has returned. Give a round of applause for Chessball!

No? Okay then. Tough crowd.

In truth that was all I wanted. To be lost, with her in some random place, not worrying about maps or directions; just going where our tired legs and aching feet would take us. Eat the night away with some random adventure and mindlessly singing to some random song we forgot the lyrics of, annoying the bystanders but genuinely laughing for our sake. I'd want to be Nick and she'd be Norah (a la our Infinite Playlist).

These words and thoughts seemed all too familiar with me. Why? You ask?

Well for once, I won't leave you readers hanging because this time, it actually fits in perfectly into the story. Hooray for masterful storytelling.

Also, cocky Nick makes a cameo too.

It's all because for every girl that I've ever liked, everything I've said, done or will probably do about and for Angie, has been done already for each one of them.

So that's why when I saw her face in the neon lights, her smile in the urban signs, I can't help but imagine myself doing this years ago, just to a different face. And to me, that was just heartbreaking. Because if my mind can't even think differently about her, what makes me think she'll be any different from the rest?

How long will it be before I have to add her to my list of screw ups and mistakes?

And the truth, dear reader? Was the same answer I had for Angie many chapters ago:

I don't know.

This time, I've flashed back to the others: to when I got into fights, ran around in circles (literally) and to when I lost a friend for months. And I can't help but wonder, what am I going to get this time as a consequence?

But as I roamed the streets that night, I thought that maybe she can be the different one. Maybe I don't have to mess up here, and maybe for once, no one is going to get hurt. Maybe, history won't have to repeat itself.

No, it doesn't, right?

Maybe for once in my love life I can actually be good enough to do this. To be this...

...smooth criminal.

This, dear reader, is the focal point in the story and the following chapters you are about to read, for without this moment, none of the following would have ever happened.

I was inspired, at that point. To unleash the love mastermind that is Nick Bailley. To be the High School version of Cupid except I'm hitting her and myself with arrows of love.

But I wasn't looking for a commitment nor a one-night stand. Instead, I was looking to show appreciation. I always thought she was something special, now it's time to put thoughts into action.

*cue action music*

However, as you know, dear reader, I am an indecisive little douche. And more often than not, my mind changes its "mind" almost immediately.

Sadly, this was the case here.

After my awesome and totally genuine outburst of my declaration of love, the hands of doubt started to tug at the strings of my mind.

"What if, I'm not good enough? "

"You kidding me? I don't even deserve a girl like that. There's no "what if," there. "

"She won't be different, man. "

Once again, these words seemed all too familiar as I said this to myself every single time.  I realized that I tried to do this for every girl, only to be locked out by the doors of doubt and fear. Soon, I began, like the Titanic, once strong and mighty, to sink down under the water, my thoughts forgotten like the furniture in that vessel.

I tried to push it once more, to bring out that side, only to have it hide again, scared by the fear that came out with much more force.

No, she will be different. She has to be.

I will make sure she is.

I told myself that for hours that night, even when I was back home, lying on my bed. I told myself that so I wouldn't forget it. She will be, and I'll make it so.

I'm not giving up on this one. Not. Even. Close.

Let's all give a round of applause for Dramatic but Confident Nick!

Damn, you guys are tough.

There's a first time for everything, right? As they say, or something like that. I was never one for ultra-religious beliefs but when we went to church that weekend before school started once more, I sent a message to Jesus:

You know what I want bro.

And it's almost like I can hear his answer in my head:

I got you fam.