unsaid things // phan (on hold)

Unsafe

I will put a // when suicide/self harm/harsh or suggestive language/graphic depictions of violence are mentioned.

(DAN'S POV)
//I felt a sharp pain in my side as I was shoved into a row of lockers, then fell to the ground. "See ya later emo fag." I heard a boy, who I then recognized as Jim, say as him, Capar and Joe all burst out laughing and walked away.

I didn't dare fight them, so I just got up from the floor, picking up my books and folders, when I saw Zoe looking at me from around the corner. She looked sad almost, as if she felt bad for me. If she actually cared she'd tell her brother to leave me alone. I thought. But she didn't have to care about me. It's not like I was expecting it. To be honest, I was perfectly fine if Phil was the only person in my life that cared. He was all I needed. And I knew that with him around, I'd be safe.

-

At lunch I was sitting in between Phil and Louise, while Chris and Pj sat next to each other and Alfie and Zoe on the other bench. Phil had been back at school for two days. It'd been two days since I'd gone to his house and saw what his father had done to him. It'd been two days since we'd been so close, I could feel his heartbeat against my own. And two days since we'd kissed and I felt fireworks within me and explosions of pure lust behind my eyelids.

"Hey Dan, what about you?" I heard Pj say, making me snap back into reality.

"Oh, sorry. What?" I asked, confused and slightly blushing from embarrassment as I realized I'd been staring at Phil the whole time. We still hadn't told anyone about what happened that night, we decided to take it slow, seeing as I'd never been in a relationship before and didn't know how to handle it.

"We were just wondering if you wanted to come over after school...it'd just be me, Chris, Phil, and you if you want. Alfie and Zoe are going out and Louise has to babysit so it'd just be like a guys night."

"Uh, yah, sure." I said, not wanting to be as enthusiastic as I felt inside. Because I'd never really had a group of friends I could just hang out with and do fun stuff with. I hadn't really had a best friend before Phil either. But I had a feeling that this would all turn out fine. I had nothing to worry about.

-

//"Ha. You like that, fag?" Caspar said, spitting on me as he took a break from punching me, only to hand me off to Jim.

//I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt a strong fist hit me square in the jaw, and could've sworn I heard a crack. He then grabbed the collar of my shirt and pinned me against the brick wall of the alley they'd forced me in as I was walking home from school. Then I felt a crushing jab in my stomach, causing me to grab my stomach in pain. When Jim finally let go of my shirt, I sunk to the ground, unable to stand as the sharp pain in my abdomen was too much.

//"You worthless emo fag!" Joe spit out, "You're so worthless. Why don't you do is all a favor and just go kill yourself already." That was it. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I tried so hard not to cry in front of them, but I just couldn't stop the tears from escaping my eyes. "Awe! Is little emo gonna cry? Oh I bet your gonna go home and listen to Linkin Park whilst cutting yourself up now aren't you?" Joe chuckled, "My heart weeps for you."

As the three boys walked away, laughing, I couldn't stop the sobs from leaving my lips. They're right. I thought, I am worthless. I'm stupid and selfish and there's no purpose for me being here. My entire existence is pointless. But I don't deserve this. I shouldn't t have to live like this. I shouldn't have to live at all. And with that wiped my eyes and stood up.

-

//One for being stupid.
One for being selfish.
One for being annoying.
One for being needy.
One for being worthless.
One for being my own, utterly imperfect self.
I thought as a gave myself a new cut for each reason behind it. I didn't care that Joe had been right though. That I really did go home and start cutting myself, just like he said.

//I walked into the bathroom, sobbing, and opened the medicine cabinet. I reached for the pills on the top shelf; antidepressants. I looked at the label that said my name on it and through the damned bottle on the ground. They were useless. They didn't work.

//That was when I saw another bottle. I reached for them with trembling hands. Hydrocodone, it read. Still shaking, I poured the whole bottle into my hand and stared at the large white pills.

I looked over at my phone and saw that I had a missed text from Phil.
Phil: Where are you?
Clearly referring to the plans we made to go to Pj's house after school. I picked up the phone and replied to him in a way that wouldn't worry him.
Dan: Sorry, I don't feel well, can't make it.
I threw my phone to the side, not caring if it broke or not. It was still slightly cracked from when I threw it that night on the bridge.

//I took all of the pills in my mouth at once, swallowing and not needing any water since I'd done this so many times already. The last time I took pills was years ago though. My brother caught me and stopped me before I could. But he wasn't here now. And neither was anyone else.

//I just lied down on the cold bathroom tile and sobbed silently, tears streaming down my cheeks. I'm done. I thought, I can't take it anymore. I'm just...done.