Being the best

Teen life

Quick apology- I know the start is very boring but hopefully to the middle it should cheer up!

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I stayed at Tosia's for a while until my mum phoned me saying that she was home now and it was soon time for dinner so I should come home. However it was still drizzling outside and I wasn't prepared to walk home in that so I asked her if she could come and pick me up. However it became clear to me that my mum was in a shit mood because even though all I said was could you pick me up she started an argument. She basically ranted and raved about how she had to work however long and still get dinner on the table and that I should be able to walk home in a little bit of drizzle. So I just agreed and said goodbye to Ayesha and Tosia and started walking home. Now the problem with drizzle is that it gets in your bones and makes you feel so cold and damp and my hair started frizzing really bad although I put anti-frizz spray in it that morning and straightened even though it ruins my ends, so when I did finally get home you can understand why I wasn't in a good mood. When I came home I was greeted with silence as my mum wouldn't even look up as she continued making stir-fry with water cress and carrots and noodles.  So I just set my bag down in the corner of the kitchen where I normally put it and went upstairs to get my laptop and change into my leggings and ugly jumper that I used only in the house. I literally just changed when my mum started shouting on me to lay the table. So I shouted back and just quickly checked my social media...and then she shouted on me for dinner. So I quickly ran down and sat where I usually sat as she laid the dinner out. Now I had eaten cake as Tosia's and just seeing the food made me feel almost physically sick. My mum just laid it out in front of me and sat opposite me and started eating. I looked down again and picked up the chopsticks and picked out the pieces of noodles and ate a few pieces. I looked towards dads place and my mum must of noticed because she just shook her head and said "Work." I nodded not surprised, my dad was almost always abroad or traveling as he is in the oil industry. My mum looked at me as I picked and prodded my food and raised an eyebrow. I just shrugged and said "Sorry I already ate a bit of cake at Tosia's and  I wasn't that hungry anyway."

Usually my mum would've been fine with that excuse but today she wasn't and that was when the trouble started. Her questions started flowing and it became harder and harder for me to get a word in as she discussed and pinpointed areas in the past that had affected me. She brought up my weight and eating anxiety and worried and fretted about me as though there had been another frantic crisis until I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up and pushed my chair away and said "I'm going out." and quickly grabbed my leather jacket to put over my jumper and my red converse and walked out before she could say anything, (thankfully I had my phone in my pocket) and walked towards the place I usually go when I need a break, a little shaded in the park under the pines that not many people went due to the flys and graffetti but for me it was my own little peaceful haven away from the real world of Anorexia and pressure. As I sat I felt tears begin to lightly appear in the crease by my eyes and one fell, although I quickly reached up and scrubbed it away although I knew that people would still know that I had been crying as I go red and blotchy. However I began to really overthink and soon I was full on ugly crying, my face all wrinkled up and my nose all snotty.  I burryied my nose in the jumper I was wearing and breathed in the smell of Lynx Apollo and a musty man smell that somehow had remained through all this time. As always that scent calmed me and I pulled up the hood on it to submerge me in the scent. I closed my eyes and breathed as the sky darkened because the night was growing  closer.  I felt it grow on me and I wished for the stars because they always calmed me, they were a constant protector, they stopped the demons inside and made me feel free and in that moment everything else faded away, there was no arguments or school or anorexia. There was no boy trouble or anything that made me regret living, there was just peace and a flowing feeling of freedom. 

Until I felt someone's presence nearing my spot and I knew that if someone found me it would ruin the whole peace thing, so I held my breath and prayed that nobody would come. And nobody did, I was left alone. Until I looked up and made eye contact with Nathan who was just standing there, with his eyebrow raised and a half smirk on his face. I just shook my head at him and  looked away. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him nod and walk over lightly on feet as though he was scared he would ruin the silence.  He sat down on the opposite side of the bench by the arm but he looked at me, his eyes showing concern and confusion as he waited for me to explain. But when I made no signs that I was going to speak he just leaned his head back and he closed his eyes, a frown appearing in between his eyebrows. I then start to speak, not really to him but more to myself or maybe the stars, I don't know, I wasn't really thinking.

"It was mum and I guess maybe even Tosia. They didn't mean to, I know that but it just triggered the memories, the feelings and the elation I felt with it. There so many things that are trigger warnings, like, my mum is seriously so protective, I know, She is looking out for me but sometimes and little bit of freedom and privacy is needed. I love her and I know she is worried since last time but it's fine, I'm on top of everything now, I'm happier and since I have had a bit of time, I've had a bit of me time and now I'm more secure but somehow my mum just won't accept it."

Nathan didn't say anything as though he was trying to think of the appropriate thing to say, ( he has never been a good speaker, he believed actions spoke louder than words) and then he just turned and looked at me and said.

"Maybe you're more scared than her and she can feel it and so that makes her anxious?"

I looked up at him after he said that and he looked down at me and as always I felt that weird thrill in my stomach as it twisted and turned as I fell into the depth of his eyes, which as always, where steady, warm and a little broken. I just nodded and tore my gaze away so I wouldn't look like a creeper.

After another awkward pause where neither of us where talking I thought maybe I should try to initiate conversation again by asking him a question.

"So what about you, what's been going on with you, why are you out here on this cold and poop covered bench?"

He grinned and looked at me, an amused spark in his dark brown eyes at my attempt of an amusing statement.

"I just needed a walk, it's suffocating at the moment at home and this bench has sentimental value."

I knew right then that something was wrong, it was the subtlest thing that made me notice, it was the fact he said "at the moment". You might be thinking, Vesper, you are overthinking it, but I just knew something was wrong, something had happened, something bad that was affecting him more than he would let on.

"You can't hide stuff from me, I know something has happened. Just talk to me, Nathan, You can't bottle things up, it's not good for you because one day that bottle will overflow and it will smother you with the amount of shit that will come pouring out of all those pent up rages and rants and heartbreaks and secrets. Talk to me please."

He sighed and leaned back, his long legs stretched out in front of him and his black, thick fringe flopping forward, which he irratibly brushed back into its quiff shape. 

"It's was my cousin who I used to be pretty to close to in the Philippines. I hadn't heard from him for a while and my Tiya texted me on Tuesday, telling me that she had some news to break to me and that she would phone me as soon as possible. I knew, I could feel it, like I can't explain it, but  it's like I could sense what had happened, so I was ready for when she told me but I wasn't prepared for the bit that comes after. The people coming to check on me and my family, bringing stuff like lasanga and steak pie's and crap. The amount of people who would come and pat me on the shoulder or shake my hands or give me a hug or a kiss on the cheek. I wasn't prepared for the amount of people who would bring up memories that are still fresh and painful for me.  I hate talking as it is and just sitting there at home as my family crowd around old photo albums maybe me feel so lonely. I feel guilty as well because I hadn't spoke to him in like 2 weeks or something and I know I should of talked to him sooner but I'm never sure what to say unless we are playing a video game together or something and then it's fine.  So yeah, you could say "Something has happened." and yeah you could say I shouldn't "Bottle things up" but maybe I do because right now it's all too soon to be talking about him."

He stopped his rant and stood up, brushing himself off. "I'm sure I will see you soon Vesper, nice chat but I have to go." and then he just walked away, his shoulders slumped and his walk completely missing the usual bravado that he always emitted.