Being the best

Waiting....for what?

He woke up 5 hours later. I had gone and got myself a tea at some point but that was it. I didn't want to leave, if he needed me I was going to stay. But finally he did wake up and when he did, hell froze over. He woke up with a little start and blinked his eyes open like a sleepy owl, looking around him. He winced a little and lay back again. He turned his head when I made a little noise on the chair and no, it wasn't a fart I made, and closed his eyes again.   Again an awkward silence prevailed.

I sat there having no clue what to do or say. So instead I just sat there and waited on him to speak. 

Finally he started speaking but kept his eyes closed.

"I don't know why I did it, people say it's releasing but it actually hurt like a bitch this time. But it wasn't like I wanted to end my life, that wasn't my intent, no I just thought that maybe, just maybe,  someone would actually ask me can I help you? Instead of no one noticing or just accepting fine. I just wanted someone to understand I don't know Vesper okay, I just do not know what I am going to do or what I have left. Now all I am is just another of those lonely emo's or whatever, trying to kill themselves."

I just stared at him, my face blank, emotionless.

And then I cracked. I quickly pushed back my seat and stood up and quickly walked out. I didn't go out the hospital but instead I went into the little shop bit that the hospitals have and sat down in the costa and got a green tea. It arrived and I sat down, ignoring the sympathetic smile I got from the waiter, and sipped it. It was burning and I started chocking on it. I quickly put it down and wiped my mouth and hands from the tea spatters. I looked down at the scrumpled up hanky in my hand and I started to cry. I mean ugly KimK style cry, I was aware that I was wearing makeup but I didn't care. I usually would, but I was in a hospital and this is something they probably see a lot. Sitting there, alone, it just hit me, I was going to lose him again. 

Finally I finished my tea and put my cup over to the bin and quickly chucked it in as I walked towards the bathroom. Once in I checked my reflection, cringed and pulled out the little pack of baby wipes I carry in my schoolbag. With that, I nodded once at my reflection so that someone was giving me a confidence boost even if it was me and walked back towards Nate's room.