Being the best

Attempting to Live

Puke warning so when you see this = ----- turn away until I do it again

So yes, sometimes, I have worse day's than others. Some day's I look in the mirror and think I like nice or that that colours suits me and I will be happy with my appearance and other times, I will look in the mirror and just see a pouch of fat and feel unfit, unhealthy and overweight. I don't know why I get those days, they just appear, I try and shove the feeling away but somehow the always come creeping back, haunting me of my past and how perfect my body used to be. I thought I was finally becoming happy, I thought now I was being me, I thought I was okay but today I wasn't. I woke up and just knew I wasn't going into school. In fact I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to do anything. So  when my mum came in to see why I wasn't up, I just lay there and told her I felt sick.  She put her hand on my forehead and looked at me. "You don't have a temperature" she said "But you do look a bit pale, maybe you will peak up later, why not take a parecetamal and then see how you feel in an hour. I will be going out to work in hour so if need be I can drop you of if you do feel better." I just nodded at her and rolled over onto my other side so my face was facing the wall. I felt her stare at me for a few seconds and then walk out the door, quietly closing it behind her.

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3 hours later I still hadn't got up.  Until suddenly I felt the acid rise up in my throat and I clutched my hand to my mouth as I ran to the bathroom. I grabbed my hair with one hand and grabbed the edge of the toilet as I vomited up acid and bile. Sweat covered my forehead and I grabbed my hair up into a bun before I vomited again.

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  I felt tears run down my cheeks and swiped them away, I didn't want to feel weak, I am strong, I am a survivor. But some how I had weakened. I stood up, swallowing down further sick and shook my head, leaning forward to flush the chain, I then reached underneath the sink and poured the bleach down the toilet. I walked out the bathroom and ran into my room, pulling out my sports bra and running leggings. I pulled them on as I searched for my socks and brushed my teeth. I grabbed the mouth wash when the taste wouldn't go away and gargled with it, until I realised it was to strong and my eyes were watering and I quickly spat it out into the sink. I ran down stairs and saw that we had breakfast bars in the cupboard so I grabbed one and rammed it in my mouth as I wrestled my shoes on and grabbed my water bottle that was beside the sink and quickly filled it up, the water, at first hitting the sides and soaking me, which I cursed at. However soon I was ready and I grabbed my house keys and phone and headphones and started my Spotify Premium as I jogged on the spot and stretched trying to get myself prepared for the actual possibility I might be about to do exercise.  I unlocked the doors after pep talking myself into actually going running and quickly closed them behind me, as I irrationally thought that a fly might come in if I take to long.  Thankfully the sun (surprisingly in England) had come out and although there was a few puddles lying about as long as I was co-ordinated enough to avoid them I should remain dry. I began running and a song came up onto my playlist. If I were a boy.

Some songs just bring up all that anguish and I felt my feet begin to move to the pace of the song.  I felt the light sheen of sweat stick to my head but I didn't care. My whole being was feeling the beat and my feet automatically knew were they were going.

I reached the entrance of the park and slowed my breath. I went in and stopped by the bin and took a few deep breaths and looked around me. There was no one in sight and I smiled. I began to jog on my feet and then looked at the grass. I ran forward and flipped into a Terada-grab into a butterfly twist and landed it. I smiled, Damn I still had the moves. I quickly picked up my phone and put my ear buds in again and began to run down the path. 1 lap later and I was already out of breath, actually to be honest I was purple because I was so unfit.  I sighed, checked my phone, found a tune and started running again. By the 2nd lap I was done, I collapsed against a tree, which I first checked to make sure there was no piss or shit near it and took deep breaths in. However I did feel released, as cheesy as it sounds I felt liberated.  I smiled and just knew, whatever had happened in the past, it doesn't matter, I was going to live my life now. No more worrying about Nathan or school bully's, I was  just going to move on, maybe start dating or maybe just concentrating on becoming the best I could be, I just felt different and it should of stayed like that, it just couldn't.