Being the best

Realisation.

Nathan POV

So here's the thing about Death. It take's a while to kick in. Like, I can't explain it but the first few day's you don't even really think about it. If anything you kinda stop living, you just follow you're routine and smile and laugh like you always have......until maybe 2 or 3 weeks later and then you really feel it and the sad thing is by that point nobody is caring, they think you are fine because you have acted fine for the last 3 weeks so you should be fine now. They lose sympathy, call you weak or ask you why you are always in a bad mood as though it was something you could turn off as easily as you can turn on.....like a light switch.  Here's another thing, when you don't cry at the funeral with everyone else people call you unfeeling, like I get I'm meant to but A) I have my pride, like people, I am a dude and we try not to cry in public and B) I don't think I could honestly, it's a bit difficult when everyone is looking at you, expecting you to cry but when you don't they whisper to there friends " Oh look how strong and brave he is being" or whatever. But I'm not brave, not by a long shot. I haven't done anything at all brave, I mean I can't even look in the mirror and feel brave and I especially don't feel strong. I have lost one of my best friend's and it's partly my fault because I wasn't there when he needed me. I know, call me a cheese ball or a cliché twat or whatever but it's true, I wasn't, I mean he was my cousin I should of at least talked to him sooner and yeah he lived in another country but it doesn't mean I couldn't talk to him over Skype or WhatsApp or Xbox. I think I must of got so bogged down with everything that was going on with me I forgot to check on everyone else. I know it's weird all this inner thought thing but yeah as you can see I'm a over thinker and to my aunts and shit, see I do have feeling's. But anyway back to subject, so It finally kicked in the other day and I can't tell you how lonely I felt, like it's almost as though it's painful. So I did something I knew I shouldn't of but I did it (Not whatever you dirty minded people are thinking) and I regret it because I can see them, they distract me, give something else I have to hide from people and it was fairly unhygienic but when I did it....it just.... I dunno what I'm trying to say and I have no fucking clue how to write it down but let's just say that it released me ( that sounds so fucking wrong)? So I have done it again, and again and everytime I do, I regret it but then feel so much better.  I don't know if this is a right or good thing to do but it damn feels right so until it doesn't I probably will keep doing it.