Sing Me To Sleep

Chapter 5

My eyelids feel heavy, falling down to shield my vision though I don't need sight to tell me I'm no longer in the woods. The smell of tree bark and dirt has faded. Instead, when I breathe in, my lungs are filled with the intoxicating fumes of alcohol, overpowering all of my other senses. The scent burns my nose, stronger than when the heavy weight of it was on my father's breath. No, this is different. This is pure alcohol, Vodka and Bacardi, maybe even Everclear. Nothing that the beer on my father's taste buds even compares to. 

The strong liquid seems to settle on my tongue, stinging and burning and warm as it slides down my throat. The feeling seems to electrify in my mouth and I cough against the blazing pleasure in my chest. It takes me only a moment before I realize I'm in another memory, this only somewhat more pleasant than the last. 

I force my eyes open, already aware of what I will see. I'm on a putrid yellow couch, the rough fabric scratching against my bare arm. Next to me is a girl, I don't remember her name. Anna, maybe? An open bottle of Dubra is balanced between us. The memory seems so clear in my mind, even if I was shitfaced when the event originally took place. 

The girl leans over to me, her words slurred and her face slack of emotion, an effect of the alcohol, though she tries her best to put on a sexy front. Her hand rests on my thigh and she shoves her tongue in my ear. "How about we go upstairs?" She asks seductively. I find myself nodding and swallow hard.

This was a party. It was a few years ago, I was fifteen. It was shortly after my father had died. My mother became depressed and I became socially deprived. So I started going out, to parties mostly. I told myself at the time that I just wanted friends, I wanted someone to be there when my mother and father weren't, but I know now I was lying to myself. I didn't want friends. I wanted alcohol. I spent an entire year drowning in the liquor, covering up every real emotion I was feeling. I wanted to forget everything my father put me through. I wanted to forget that my mother was becoming nothing. She was fading fast into the scenery. She barely talked to me by this point and I turned to the alcohol to cover it all up. 

Of course, this wasn't just any party. This was my last party. 

The girl takes my hand in hers and unsteadily leads me toward the staircase. My vision isn't as blurry this time around as we pass laughing groups and grinding couples. I want to tell my feet to stop. This isn't exactly a memory I want to live through again. Why can't I relive the good memories? But thinking that now, I realize there aren't many good memories at all. 

When we reach the top of the stairs, me having to steady the girl a few times, she pulls me down the hallway. We pass three closed doors, probably all already occupied, before reaching an open one. She pushes me inside and closes the door behind her, making the room dark. It takes only a second for my eyes to adjust enough to make out the shadowed form of the bed, my back meeting the mattress only a moment later. The girl smiles and her mouth finds mine in a sloppy kiss. The alcohol taints the action, making it feel awkward and fake, but good all the same. Her hands clumsily pull at my jacket, trying to get it off in a hurry, but failing due to the intoxicated haze surrounding us both.

I remember my thoughts clearly as they raced through my mind. Being only fifteen, I was a virgin. This was the closest I'd ever been to sex and I was sure that we were going to go all the way. That was, until the door swung open.

"Anna?" The angry voice shocks me, though I knew this time that it was coming. The girl jumps off me, her shirt now hanging loosely from her small frame, her lipstick smeared, the surprise sobering her up a little bit. 

At the door stood Todd Stryker. Anna's boyfriend, though I didn't know that at the time. He pulls the girl toward the door before turning his furious gaze on me. I feel more alert to his voice, the venomous words seeming even more enraged and alive inside this memory. That doesn't stop me from making one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Unlike the recollection of the night with my father, I didn't want to run from this memory. I knew exactly what would happen and what this one night would change, but I wanted to relive this one moment again and again.