Sing Me To Sleep

Chapter 18

Frank,

I'm so sorry. For everything. I don't really know where to start this, I just have so much I want to say to you. But I can't look at you, laying in the hospital bed with a tube down your throat and hooked up to a monitor, and tell you that I am giving up. I could say that I'm writing this letter instead of telling you face to face because I want you to know and I'm not sure you could even hear me while you're in a coma, but that's not all true. I can't bare to look at you and know that you tried to kill yourself because of me. I can't handle the pain of knowing that I am the one to blame. Writing this letter is easier for me and you know that I've always been a coward.

I'm sorry for everything I let your father do to you. I sat back and watched him beat you because I was too scared to step in. I loved him and I was stupid for believing that he might change. You were always so much stronger than I was and I'm sorry that I allowed him to hurt you in any way for so long. I won't spend this entire letter reminiscing on things I should have done because it's no use; It's done now and I can't take it back, no matter how much I wish I could. But all I have to say is I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for abandoning you. When you needed me the most, I gave up because I was weak. You are strong, Frank. You can keep going. In all honesty, I think I gave up a long time ago. When your father died, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't protect you from the questions and the accusations but you told the lawyers the truth and you defended yourself which is something I've never been able to do. You held your head high and all I did was stay in bed and take medication that made me act like I was already dead. I'm sorry I could never be the mother you needed.

I'm sorry that I can't face you now. By the time you wake up, I will be gone and you will never have to face my disappointments ever again. I am so sorry that I have let you down in so many ways, but I want you to know that I have always loved you and you have always made me so proud. 

I'm proud of you, Frank.

I've never told you that before, even before your father started abusing you. I never just looked you in the eyes and made it known that you are a wonderful person and I couldn't be more proud to have you as my son.

I know about the scars; I saw them on the first day when I came to see you. I know you've harmed yourself and I know that I am to blame. I can't apologize enough for the pain I've caused you, but I can put an end to it by ending my life. I can't take away anything that has happened in the past but I can prevent any further harm because I hate to see you hurting.

In order to save your life, I will take my own.

Promise me that you won't kill yourself, Frank. I want you to live your life, follow your dreams, and become the man I know you were meant to be. You have so much potential and I can't bare the thought of taking that away from you.

I don't know if you hear him, but I met one of your friends. He sings to you, I've heard him, but sometimes he just talks or cries. He seems like more than just a friend but you've never mentioned him, or maybe you have and I was too drugged up to notice. He's nice and I think he really cares about you. I want you to keep him close, cherish him, because the good things never last. One day, he might be gone and you'll be left with nothing more than a memory.

I love you, Frank. Take care of yourself because I can't be there to do it for you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for the monster I've been.

-Mom.