Candles

28 | T R U S T

I STARED DOWN AT MY cup of tea, my hands laying firmly on the kitchen table. Sydney's mug was sitting on the opposite side of the table but she was not with it. It had been quite some time since she excused herself to the bathroom and I assumed she went back to bed. If she did, though, I was not going to be mad about it. Seeing as how early it was, I should have gone back to bed, too. However, I wished she would have told me she was going back to bed. Her tea was probably cold now and this bothered me. The house was quiet and it should have dawned on me that she was going back to sleep. She looked extremely tired when she went upstairs to the bathroom.

The clock on the wall read a little after four and I ran a tired hand down my face. I stood up from the table and grabbed both mugs, taking them to the sink to pour the tea down the drain. I sat the empty mugs on the counter beside the sink and took a deep breath. I did not feel like going back to bed and there was not much I could do at this time of day. I knew watching TV was an option but I did not feel like sitting down anymore. Taking a hot shower sounded like a nice idea and I smiled. It was a quiet plan so if Sydney was sleeping in my bed, I would not wake her.

My feet carried me upstairs and when the stairs creaked underneath my weight, I cursed under my breath as I hoped Sydney was unable to hear it. My steps were slow and careful and I even made sure my breathing was not too loud. She had a rough night and I did not want to make things worse by waking her up. Her dream from earlier had already done enough damage to her. Whatever it was, it sure did know how to scare the shit out of someone. A lump formed in my throat as I wondered what she dreamed about. She was a sweet woman and it was hard for me to think of anything scaring her. The thought of anything scaring her upset me. I wanted her to be happy.

I wanted to be her happiness.

I stopped at the top of the stairs and looked down at my feet. I found it to be quite strange how I felt this way about Sydney but it was very rare I felt this way about Jillian. Even when we first got together, the feelings were not very strong. I believed I was desperate for love, desperate to have someone I could call mine. I did not remember how Jillian and I crossed paths at school. We never had the same classes and I never saw her outside of the school building. I shrugged my shoulders, no longer caring about the depleted memory. I tugged my bottom lip between my teeth and wondered how Sydney managed to drive me insane while Jillian made me feel like we had absolutely nothing in common.

My heart was bipolar.

Yeah.

That was it.

There was not a better explanation.

I walked down the hall to my bedroom and turned on the light. I needed to get some fresh clothes out of my dresser and I hoped the light would not disturb Sydney. When I looked at the bed, though, and she was not in it, I frowned. Did she decide to go back to her own bed? I turned around and looked down the hall at her bedroom. The door was still open and her light was still on from when I turned it on earlier. I rubbed the back of my neck and walked down the hall to make sure she was all right. I passed by the guest bathroom and the door was open, letting me know she was not in there. I pushed her bedroom door open a bit more and looked over at the bed. It was empty and the lamp was still shattered on the floor.

I decided to go back into my room and if she heard me, she would come out of hiding. I grabbed my clothes out of my dresser and went into my bathroom to get the shower started. I closed the door but left it unlocked just in case Sydney needed me. I knew she was still in the house because I did not hear the front or back door open. They both creaked a little bit when someone opened them. My shotgun was no longer leaning against the wall and I tilted my head to the side. It was laying on the floor and I did not remember putting it there. It must have fallen while I was downstairs or when I was checking on Sydney.