Always

Chapter 35

Three days. It had now been three days since I had told Harry that I'm in love with him. Three days that had stretched on for surely three years. Every move I made seemed to make my entire body ache, muscles, bones, heart, everything. I hadn't gone this long without talking to Harry since I met him, and it was eating me alive inside. He hadn't called, hadn't texted, hadn't stopped by, hadn't made any attempt at all to contact me.

I had convinced my mother that I was sick and was unable to go to school; I certainly looked sick enough. It was Wednesday now and I had barely left my room. Any food my mother brought to me went uneaten as it grew cold on the small tray she served it on. My only movement was to go to the bathroom, although I had yet to shower. What was the point? No one was going to see me, and I didn't have the energy to drag myself in there for more than a few minutes. My downward spiral had yet to slow, a fact that seemed to worry my mother more and more with each passing day.

I think she began to suspect something else was wrong with me by now, although she didn't ask. As much as I could tell it was bothering her not to pry, I was glad that she didn't push me. Surely I would have cracked all over again, and I didn't know if I would have been able to pick myself up from there. Never in my life could I remember feeling like this. The crushing weight in my stomach refused to subside no matter what I did.

My thoughts couldn't be distracted from Harry for more than a few seconds before the dark clouds rolled in over my brain once more. There was nothing I could do to help heal the wounds he had inflicted; worst of all, I wasn't sure I wanted to feel better. There was a small masochistic part of me that reveled in the pain, that wanted to feel the stinging burn of rejection. Maybe I deserved to feel like this after what had happened to him; it had clearly been my fault, anyway.

I sighed heavily as I heaved myself up from my bed for the second time that day. Night, I suppose. The clock on the wall told me it was nearly 9 pm. Trudging to the bathroom, I couldn't help but notice that I smelled very bad. Of course I did: I had done nothing but wallow in my misery the past three days. Resigning, I decided it was time to take a shower. I pulled back the curtain and turned the water on as hot as it would go, hoping the heat would help distract me from my mangled heart.

As I waited for the water to warm up, I stood in front of the mirror and tugged my clothes off, looking at myself for the first time since Sunday night. I was too tired to react to the shocking image before me. My eyes were hollow and dead as they stared back at me. Dark bags hung underneath them, contrasting shockingly with the pale tone of the rest of my face.

My lips, too, looked pale in comparison to their usual color. My collarbones protruded father than they normally did, making me look sickly and far too skinny. Equally shocking was my hair, which hung in stringy clumps around my face, looking dull and lifeless as well as frightfully dirty. At least I look like I feel, I thought sadistically. Good.

I heard a soft knock at the bathroom door.

"Joey?" my mother's soft voice drifted through the wood.

"Hmm?" I replied, unable to form an entire word. My throat felt like it had been ripped open; I hadn't spoken nearly the entire last three days.

"I just got called into work, will you be okay on your own?" concern leaked into her voice as she asked. I knew I wouldn't be able to get away with the "being sick" thing much longer without an interrogation from her.

"Yeah," I mumbled over the noise of the shower.

"Okay, sweetie, call if you need anything," she said.

"Kay," I replied. With that, she was gone.

Steam was starting to gather in the bathroom, so I tugged the curtain back before pulling myself under the scalding stream of water. The hot water burned against my skin, turning it an angry red color as it pelted down on me, but I didn't care. It felt good to feel something after days of feeling empty and numb. I stood there for a few minutes, not moving as I let the burning water run over my body.