Trustless Love

Chapter 9

Eric,

Soo, here goes my first entry in this. I know when I give this back to you, you'll be expecting something happy and heartfelt. Something that'll make you smile and can think about throughout the day. Something meaningful about us.

Sadly, this isn't that entry.

Today, I've been completely indulging myself in Biology. Like, can't stop reading, continuously going over flashcards, finding crazy ways to remember names, indulge. The test tomorrow is going to be rough for me just because she has crammed so many chapters into this one exam. But, I know I'll do well because science is something that I've always enjoyed. It is constantly changing and I can learn something new every day.

The past hour, my mind has been everywhere else but here...where I need it to be. All because I can't stop thinking about why you haven't spoken to me today and why you've been slightly distant the past couple weeks.

Ever since the incident regarding our three-month anniversary, I feel like you've been off. The texts have become less often and shorter, the lunches together are less frequent and the dorm visits are hardly nonexistent. One would think you are blowing me off in hopes that I'll eventually give up and just walk away myself.

Well my (boy)friend, I'm not that person.

I don't give up and walk away that easily. I feel like every relationship deserves a fighting chance regardless of what has happened...or at least an explanation.

Being 18, I know that I am still learning about everything in life. I haven't experienced anything in the outside world on my own. Apart from high school and cheerleading, I'm learning just like everyone else here. Maybe you've been luckier to where you were able to go out and party all night, take random trips to unknown places and have the freedom of an emancipated teen. Me, not so much.

While I've lived at home, I was reserved and studious. I never went out and partied (except once, at Mandy's when Senior year was over). I knew my grades held the utmost importance when it came to me getting into the school I wanted and reliant on getting scholarships. I've always been optimistic and happy with how my life was because I was never exposed to anything else and didn't really care to be.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, this type of lifestyle is new to me.

The partying.

The drinking.

The balancing school and social life.

The fending for myself and not being reliant on my parents.

All so new.

You are probably wondering how this even all ties together in regards to us, but I promise there is a correlation.

My past relationships haven't been like this one. My ex and I were pretty similar in regards to how we were. We didn't go crazy and party, we stayed busy doing things we needed to prepare us for the next phase in our life. And when I told you I didn't count every single day we were together, not even months. That was the honest truth. Him and I were together for most of high school and we just celebrated the yearly anniversaries because it seemed like the smarter thing to do.

Why celebrate every month you are together? That means more money spent on outings or little gifts, which neither one of us had then being in high school.

Hell, I still don't.

My shock of you being in the room when I came back from class wasn't meant in a harsh manner, just a surprised one. I've never been with a guy that has wanted to celebrate the small benchmarks in a relationship. Actually, I think maybe a few guys in my graduating class actually remembered to do this for the girls they were with. Most guys never seemed to care.

So...I'm sorry for that.

I'm sorry for not getting excited and remembering something like this that you seem to care a lot about. It never crossed my mind that I would find someone who would want to do the little things for someone they cared about.

It's all new.

You and me, are new.

But...the thing that freaked me out the most was you flying off the handle when I finally said to you that I had forgotten. Seeing you sitting on my bed, smiling all big as I walked in the door to throwing your hands in the air and yelling at me really freaked me out. Hence, the reason of me standing there and not saying anything for a while. Then when I did say something, you flipped out because I had mentioned my ex's name.

I honestly don't see the reasoning behind you getting upset over that. I've told you that him and I broke up mutually since I was leaving and that we wouldn't get back together. But for some reason, I feel like you don't believe me.

Like you think I'm going to go running back to him in hopes of going back to my old life that I left behind there. That isn't the case. I came to Rainsville to start something new and fresh. To get away with my friends and experience life. To finally discover who I am as an individual.

So, if I can ask anything of you, it'd be that you don't go crazy and start yelling at me like that again. I know that may sound mean, but if you would just talk to me about whatever it may be that is bothering you, I'll listen. That's how relationships are supposed to work.

Communication is key.

Maybe you see things differently, and if that is the case, I'll listen to you tell me about it. No problems there. We may have to agree to disagree on some things. But that's life. You live and learn.

So, I guess in short, this is how I'm feeling currently.

Upset.

Sad.

Confused.

Not...happy.

If for whatever reason you decide not to read this, or if you read it and just don't care, then maybe we should just take a break from things. See how it goes and decide from there. I'll wait until Monday for you to say something and if I don't hear from you, I'll take that as a sign.

Just let me know...

-Kailie

I closed the journal and hopped off the bed, slipped on my shoes, grabbed my keys off the desk and made my way out the door, journal in hand. Walking over to his dorm, I thought whether or not I'd say anything to him or just end up leaving it in front of his door.

I pushed the up button for the elevator and waited. The high pitched ding sounded, signaling my entrance to the old elevator cart. Pushing the fourth floor button, I waited for it to make its way up. Finally the doors opened and I make my way out, turning left to go down the hall. Coming up to the fourth door on the left, I stop and stare at it.

Taking a deep breath, I knock once and wait, not knowing what I'll say if he answers. After two minutes pass, the door still doesn't open. I take that as my cue to leave the journal at the door. Luckily, they had a dark blue doormat so I decide to place it underneath, hoping he comes back sooner than later to retrieve and read what was inside.

Now I wait...