Secret glances.
Private conversations.
No space.
Near misses.
Cute Kisses.
Inevitable pain.
It was difficult for my head to wrap the fact that the love of my life chose my best friend over me. After all of the shit that we went through he chose her and not me. Was I not good enough? Did he want more?
Seeing them together made my stomach go into automatic despise. I despised his choice ignoring the fact that I loved him. Seeing his lips on hers and not on mines made my head spin. His arms around her waist and not on mines. Her hands in his hair instead of my fingers knotted in his.
Sure, call it jealously if you like but I call it love. Being in love with someone who doesn't love you back is probably the worst thing in the world. I wanted to rip my heart of my chest destroying my existence. No longer able to get hurt, no longer in pain. Feeling rejected and un wanted was only a side effect.
I always wanted my best friend to be happy, I wanted her to have all of the happiness in the world. I shared everything with her so that she would be happy. This time I didn't want to share everything with her, I wanted him to myself.
I shared my family with her. No one really knew how hard it was when my mother treated her like more of a daughter than me, maybe it was because I was her actual daughter and she could send Maya home to her real mother at anytime. The only real parent that I had was my dad, and he made up for the fact that I barely had a mother.
I brushed my hair getting ready for yet again another painful day. My style changed over the course of the summer. I was sick and tired of being my old happy self. The girl who believed in happiness and rainbows and everything that rhymed with that. That girl was gone, long gone.
I looked back and forth at all of my makeup trying to decide what to cake my face in. I put on the basics; moisturizer, primer, foundation, and concealer. I looked at myself one last time before deciding what to wear. I was sick of going completely natural, its high school.
I reached for my makeup pallet skimming over the colors. I decided to go for a more softer look. I winged my eyeliner very carefully in fear of completely messing up all of my makeup and having to start all over again. I applied mascara to my lashes and nude lipstick to my lips feeling completely satisfied. No one would even vision me wearing a full face of makeup like this. Perfect.
I moved my hands through my wardrobe before settling on an outfit. I found a short black top with the shoulders cut out. I found some light stained high-wasted jeans and slipped them on. I walked over to the other end of my room picking up my jean jacket, it use to be my mothers.
My new pair of black boots caught my eye as I rummaged through my drawer for socks. After, I threw my hair into a messy bun (I have no idea why they call it a messy bun, it nearly took me twenty tries to make it look perfect) and walked over to my mirror after adding a plain white chocker to my neck.
I stared at my reflection not knowing who this mystery girl is. It took my brain a few seconds to realize that the girl is me, the new me that my father would highly, highly disapprove. I thought about my fathers reaction when I was to walk into class, how his face would go from happy to teach to oh no what has my daughter done to herself in a matter of a few second.
This girl was new to me, almost like my new start. This girl didn't know what pain was or who caused her pain. It was like a cover up. A way to get over my old self and turn into something new. It was time to move on.
