Collection of Essays

I'm still here because?

I'm still here because? Why, obviously because I still have a life!? I can still breath, I can still laugh, I can still smile. And yes, in spite of the sad, bad, negative voices inside, outside, everywhere, I'm still around.

Do I want to die so these voices would shut the fvck up? Yea, I think of that sometimes like when I'm really down and feeling kinda heavy!? When I have friends but were friends no more and my family is torn.

I sometimes put myself on the shoes of a fly (pretending they have one) in that, I wanted to have a taste of how sweet life is only to be swat on because they regard me as dirty, lowly, shitty. 

Oftentimes, I'm like the boy version of Oprah Winfrey who uses these hope-giving quotes on fb to encourage others but also for the purpose of giving them the impression that I'm a sunshiny, golden boy that I'm not.

However, it proves to be in vain if I apply it to myself. I just can't seem to encourage myself. Damn, I'm a hypocrite! Sadly.

I wish I could find happiness within me. No, no, I wish happiness is not like that, you know, has to be found!? Rather, I wish it was innate. I wish I could convince myself that it was.

Aside from being a fly and an Oprah Winfrey stan, I'm also like that piece of paper flailing in the wind whose ups and downs were beyond my control. Even though I tried so hard to push my 'ups' as high as Mariah's notes, gravity always pulls me down.

And I'm always helplessly down.

But even as I am down, I can look up. As much as I please. For He's always there for me and just one call away.