Soul Harbour

0.60|when walking away|

Song: Stay by Rihanna

0.60|from Sabah's first draft: when walking away|

Auburn walked out of the cafe, feeling relieved, as if a huge weight had been lifted off her chest and she could breathe again. Not telling Carlotta and Anthony about her past had been a subconscious decision, never really ventured upon in her mind but always deferred in conversations. There, she thought as she stepped down from the pavement, now they knew.

She hadn't thought about this moment even though she had always been fearful of it. The moment in which two of her closest friends would find the truth about her, would come to know that she was a coward, but now she did. She flinched from the image of them talking about her, discussing her, inside the warmth of the cafe while the cold winds touched her numbed face outside.

She shivered but it wasn't that cold. Her body rocked from the familiar sensation of fear, of doubt, of being out-of-place, always, always alone and unbelonged. Relief was overpowered by the urge to run, to leave this behind, to walk away rather than stay because staying meant pain, separation gave her distance, even though it hurt. The effort would be too much and would only worsen things. Oh how she knew the cycle of love and loss, she'd seen it too much and all too soon.

Leaving wasn't hard for her. It came to her like second nature. Tickets, visas, house changes, a couple of calls, she could handle them with detached ease. Detachment. Yes, the word defined her struggle and the struggle would never end because unknown to her she was seeking detachment from herself, from the parts of her that weren't all too pretty, that didn't fit, that lay too entangled with life's messes, that were broken beyond repair, and every time she pulled away, she tightened the knot around her neck like a stubborn noose.

It was the afters that would haunt her. They always did. Settled somewhere else, she missed all she had lost due to her own hands and she would tell herself not to cry about it. The unshed tears fought in her throat, little things would remind her of the people she hadn't even said a goodbye to, nights would scream at her telling her they were better off without her. She'd lock it all inside her little heart and tell herself not to get too close to anyone or anything anymore. Because she'd only have to leave it behind one day.

Then why didn't it work today? Why couldn't she just switch it off? Why did her feet feel like lead, every step an effort, every breath an invitation to stay? She stopped suddenly as she realized something with shock.

She didn't want to leave. Not them. Not this time.

She laughed more out of shock than anything else. She wanted to stay. Sometimes staying back and letting the view wash you over is more precious than jumping off and learning to fly, especially if all you've ever done your life is fly. Flap and flight. You get tired after some time. Stop and stare. You got to hold your ground and fight for it sometimes.

She loved this little side-street. She loved the pavement. She loved the peeling gold paint on the wooden sign announcing Carlotta's Coffee Shop. She loved the glass windows and the glass door which would swing with tinkle of wind chimes. She loved the smile Carlotta gave her every day, as if she was just happy that Auburn came back. And yes, she loved Anthony, his awkwardness, his little mannerisms, how he blushed around her, how he would burst into epiphanies for no reason, how he-and now she was crying, again, but it was the good kind of letting go, the kind that Greek theatre talked about- how he had told her he loved and how she had been nothing but awful in return.