Heliophilia (sweeran adapted)

Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

The next few days brought nothing but secretively and a build up of feelings for me. Ed wouldn't leave my mind, like my shadow he was always with me in someway. His writing and reading has improved so much since we started and I feel myself growing too attached to the guy. Soft touches and stolen glances were all I could take, and when I felt myself slipping into a pit of emotions I couldn't handle I'd look away. I wished for a day I could sink into his eyes and actually kiss his soft lips I spent nights thinking about but I wouldn't let myself. I knew a guy like him could love me, but he'd love me too well. He's treat me better than I could imagine but I don't deserve it, I'm already tainted enough and ill ruin it one way or another; he's better off without me.
As usual we're seated in the book room, he's writing and I'm watching him. I wonder if he's involved in all this stuff JP and Mac are; the drug dealing and the obvious fighting. He doesn't seem like the kind of person you'd find in the middle of all this.
"What are you thinking about?" He asks me not even looking up from his page. My eyebrows knit together with confusion at his question. "You bite your lip when your thinking" he says and I wonder if I'm that easy to read.
"Do you do all that drug dealing with JP?" I blurt out and I can see him stop writing from the corner of my eye.
"I mean-eh like, you don't seem like the kind of person-and you know, I just, Im worried about you" I stutter out. It was true; I was worried about him. Whenever he wasn't by my side I was concerned, hoping he wasn't mixing in with the men who roamed around our house with scars from fighting and guns in their back pockets. I hoped he kept his head down and didn't speak to them when they'd slur at him. "Thank you...for worrying" he says quietly and I looked at his face to see him staring at our hands which were almost touching, our pinky fingers millimetres away from each other. Slowly his smallest finger moves over mine, and in turn I looped my finger around his so they're intwined. A spark flew up my hand and into my arm as our skin touched and I felt my hand hum in appreciation of the soft skin I was touching, even if it was just our pinky fingers in contact.
"I don't, I'm not involved with that kind of stuff" he says and I look at him, but he keeps his eyes trained on our fingers.
"When we were growing up I tried to stay away from the gang, but it's hard to run away from family" he continues with a sadness stinging hisvoice and I wonder if he's ever told anyone this.
"Everything in this house was bought with blood money. Every book in this room was probably taken from a house that JP stole, the kitchen was renovated with the money they got off a drug trade in Cuba. Nothing we're living in was earned" he says almost in a whisper, like he's in a daze.
"And I never agreed with this kind of life"
Seeing him open up to me, showing me he's not the same as Mac and JP and everyone else in this house made me fall even harder for him. He never stopped surprising me with how much dept there is to him, how many moods and thoughts and morals make up the fibres of him. I wanted to map it all out, learn it and make it mine. I got the courage from deep down inside me to bring my other two fingers to mesh with his, causing spark after spark to run over my skin. I loved the way our fingers felt together, how perfectly they fit. How his weren't tattoo covered and big and rough.
"Do you trust me?" He asks after our three fingers knit together and I nod my head as soon as he asks. With my answer he slowly slid his hand under mine and softly intwined our fingers so we were properly holding hands. A smile spread across my face at his action, how it confirmed I wasn't the only one who wanted this.
"I have to tell you something" he whispers and I turn to face him again. "But not now, later" he says into my ear and I nod my head as my stomach does flips. His hot breathe hitting the skin of my neck sent shivers down my spine and I never wanted it to end.
"Will you meet me outside at the pool at 11 tonight?" He requests before kissing my earlobe.
"Of course" I whisper back and he kisses my neck softly before pulling back to look into my eyes.
"Im falling for you Taylor" he speaks as he stares right into my eyes, his words making me feel like I was about to explode.
"And I think you're unbelievably beautiful, more than you know" he whispers finally before running his nose against mine. In that moment I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to plant my lips on his and show him with everything in me that he made me feel like I was beautiful, unlike the man I call my boyfriend. The way he touches me, with such a softness I've never felt. But a voice at the back of my head screamed at me; told me I wasn't worth this kind of love. I should be shouted at and touched with a roughness because that's all I'm worth. I'm the daughter of a drug addict who left me, I'm the girlfriend of a criminal who dragged me on his runaway train wreak of a life, I'm the high school drop out and the whore of my town, I didn't deserve her kind of delicate love.
"Will you try reading to me?" I ask, trying to distract myself from the lips that were inches away from mine. I got him to read to me everyday for practise, but mostly because his voice was my favorite thing to listen to. He picked up his book with one hand, the other still intwined with mine, took a deep breath and began to read.