Heliophilia (sweeran adapted)

Chapter 19

Chapter 19:

Self discovery is something I’ve never had time for in my life. If I wasn’t out getting drunk with fake friends, I was running away from something inevitable with the wrong person to the wrong place. It didn’t leave time for emotions and discovering how I handle myself, so naturally I grew to reject things that should have affected me; it was the easiest thing to do. I should traumatized over the fact I was ripped from my family and home to run across the country with a man who couldn’t even comprehend what it meant to take care of another, but I’m not because I rejected it. And in this moment, as Ed raced through my mind for the hundredth time that night I rejected him too, because that’s how I deal with things.

Just because he had saved me at the club nights ago didn’t sway my attitude on our current predicament. I was still bitter over how his love had sung me and although I knew my trust issues were getting in the way of how perfect we could be together, I ended up falling into a bottomless pit of self pity considering all the ways he could crush me if I gave him another chance. I didn’t want my heart to be hurt again, I don’t think I could pick myself up. I didn’t understand how to handle such a powerful love like the one he offered; I was completely clueless and frankly scared. So I continued as if we haven’t had our odd interaction the other morning and kept sneaking out; sometimes seeing him, sometimes he wasn’t in my view for the whole night but I knew he was there, always watching me as if I was in his possession.

Normally I’d compose myself, making sure I even convinced myself I had it together until drink after drink would roll down my throat and I’d always let tears silently fall on the cold walk home over the fact none of the people I had been shameless grinding on were here. Every pair of eyes I looked into weren’t his, every touch wasn’t soft and every voice that slurred in my ear didn’t give me chills as his inevitably does. I’d stumble come every morning and walk around like a zombie until the day came that Sam snapped.

"You need a job" he says harshly as he rips the curtains open and the mean light smacks my sleeping face. 
“Go away” I mumble into the pillow and turn over in a pitiful attempt to hide from the sunlight. 
“No Tay I’m serious” he says sternly and I recognize his tone to be a serious one so I gather myself and sit up to face him. 
“You come in at 5 and 6 every morning after fucking yourself up every night and it’s getting old. You don’t pay rent or anything so you’re getting a job and that’s it” he says and I sigh. 
“How did you even know I leave at night?” I mumble into my hands and he smirks. 
“You talk to yourself when you’re drunk, of course I’m going to hear you” he says and I sigh again. 
“Okay look, I’ll start looking for a job tomorrow…I’m too tired now” I say back and crawl back into bed. 
“Well you’re getting up now, don’t really have a choice. I talked to my friend and his uncles got a job for you. You start in an hour” he says throwing me a uniform at my unmoving body. I grunt in response, not ready to get up just yet and I hear his footsteps and the door closing. A rush of guilt flew through me at the thought of him knowing I was out every night.

But this could be a new start for me; I could clean myself up and finally get my head straight if I had some kind of structure running through my day. I slowly got up and took the tablets Sam left on the bedside locker and dragged my body to the shower. 40 minutes I was washed, dressed and walking down the street with Sam on the way to the café situated 15 minutes away from the apartment.

"Alright so John told me his uncles really cool on everything except punctuation, you gotta be early or you’re out of there, okay? So that means no more going out, even if Ed chaperones you all night" he mumbles the last bit and my jaw flies open in shock. 
“How do you know he follows me out?!” I yell as we stop outside the small establishment. 
“Well, I’ve been talking to him” he says looking at the cars as opposed to directly at me. 
“Since when were you and Ed are friends?!” I shirk, getting irritated that he’s been hiding so much from me. 
“Hey don’t get mad at me, I’m not the only one keeping secrets here” he bites back and silence rings in the air. 
“Look I’m sorry for snapping at you, okay? I just-I know what Ed does to you. You’re happier when you’re with him and frankly I think now that he has his head out of his ass he could be good for you.” He says softly taking my hand and looking at me. 
“But now you’ve got your head in your ass so I’m sorting you out so you can have your happily ever after” he says and chuckles as I sigh. 
“I don’t know about that one Sammy” I frown. 
“As long as you’re happy, I’m happy” he says and I smile at him as he wraps me in his huge arms.
“I’ll pick you up later, okay?” He mumbles into my hair and kisses my head before I step away. 
“Proud of you princess” he says before I wave him off.