Heliophilia (sweeran adapted)

Chapter 14

Chapter 14:

Jealousy is a raw emotion that has baffled scientists for years. They still can’t grasp the concept of what it is that makes you feel the way we do when we still an object of our affection in possession of someone else. It’s been linked to a hormone called oxytocin, which floods your brain, sparked from lust and desire. It also fits hand in hand with love thats associated with dopamine and other closely related neurotransmitters in the brain. Dopamine is the chemical we create when we snort cocaine; it creates a addictive affect to infatuate and hold control over the mind.
Stamina and adrenaline corse through your veins when oxytocin is triggered, almost putting your body into a hyperactive superhero mode as you do things that defy who you are. Stay up all night talking with the guy you adore? You keep your eyes open because you’re in love. You want to scream until your lungs give out when you see them with someone else? You feel that because of the hormones, the lust and territorial instinct. And after 2 months of living in the same flat as the guy I adored as his girlfriend pranced about, I was a wound up spring of chemicals and hormones ready to explode. 
“You know what Sam?” I slur as I take my 20 something shot of the night at the dirty little bar we found. “Fuck him! Yeah..I’m done with his shit!” I say swaying a little in my seat. 
“You said it Tay, him and his gorgeous girlfriend” he sloppily says before downing his shot too. 
“I don’t mean shit to him Sam, he hasn’t left her..he’s not” I had to stop to hiccup before starting up again. “He’s not ever going to is she? I mean its a joke. He always fucking crawls into my bed at night but he’s never there in the morning” I slur trying to vent some of my increasing anger. “But I haven’t let him kiss me, but holy shit I want to so bad. I want to kiss him in the kitchen and the bathroom and the living room. I want him to fuck me too” I say but I stop myself. “I want to make love with him…but he’s fucking Nina and I’m not Nina so no fucking for me!” I sing song as I see Sam staring at me intently. 
“You know what you need?” He whispers with glassy eyes. 
“What?” I ask back leading into him. 
“More shots” he says with a smirk. “Waiter, 4 more of your finest tequila shots pleaseeee” he draws out in a British accent making me snort. 
“He should have left her by now, shouldn’t he? Am I being too nice?” I ask hiding my head in his shoulder. 
“Hell fucking yeah you’re being too nice!” He says handing me another shot which I take and pour down my neck.
“You need to fucking go to his room and fuck his shit up!” He slurs “and I’ll go to Nina’s and fuck her shit up too” he says but frowns after. “Well I won’t be so violent, but ill..ill tell her how I feel” he slurs and I hold my last shot up. 
“And I will too!” I say before knocking it back. My vision was blurred and my heart felt like it was a hummingbird but I was determined. My mind screamed her name as I stumbled to my feet. 
“Ill go see him” I repeat pulling on my jacket. 
“Okay here’s the mother fucking plan” Sam starts looking me in the eyes. “We each go to their flats” 
“Yeaaah” I say jousting him along. 
“We tell them up front ‘I’m tired of this foreplay bullshit, lets fucking get together and feel alright man’ and boom; job done” he slurs and I nod my head violently. 
We tumble into the cab and drive to Nina’s flat first, giggling at the prospect of what we were doing. Getting drunk wasn’t part of the plan tonight; it meant to be dinner and a movie with Sam so Ed was left alone to think about how much he misses me but it didnt exactly turn out that way. 
“Okay you ready?” I ask him as the car pulls to a stop. 
“Im going to do it, ill tell her I love her” 
“Wait you love her?” I ask and I see him roll his eyes. 
“Of course I love her Tay!” He slurs and I nod my head. 
“Okay okay, good luck” I say and he steps out of the car and flashes me a smile before closing it quickly. I rode to Ed’s alone as I thought of all the mean things I’d spit at him. “You lied to me” “you never loved me” “I’m done with your bullshit”. 
I finally got out of the car but I was thrown into a heavy rainstorm as the water pelted down my my skin. Thunder and lightening cracked through the sky and I looked up to see the bright lights spilling the sky. I didn’t notice how long I had been standing out there until a shiver overcast my body. I stumbled through the lobby and up the elevator with determination and finally I was facing our door. I didn’t even knock as I pushed open the door and tumbled in to see him curled up on the couch watching TV. 
“It’s that you beautiful?” He asks and a ripple of rage runs through me. 
“Don’t fucking call me beautiful Edward” I spit at him and his head whips around to take in my appearance. “Wha-what happened, are you okay? You don’t look well..and you’re soaking” he says getting up off the sofa and making his way towards me. 
“No im here to give you a big fat fuck you. I’m done with all your shit” I say swinging my arms around as they turn to jelly. 
“Taylor are you drunk?” he asks and I nod my head. 
“Hmm mmm, can’t a broken hearted girl not get drunk?” I ask as my head lulls from side to side. 
“Im broken hearted because of you Ed. It’s all your fault!” I tell and I feel tears forming in my eyes. 
“You’re so fucking perfect and I’m so in love with you, I trusted you with my heart even after Mac messed me up. I’ve been waiting and waiting but you haven’t broken up with her!” 
“Because you’re still with him!” He says suddenly and theres a silence as we stare into each others eyes. 
“You’re in love with him too, what happens to me huh? I leave Nina and I sit and watch you and him all loved up until you decided you want me?” 
“So you’re scared?” I snap back and his face is one of almost disgust. 
“Of course I’m scared! I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I can’t eat, I can’t fucking sleep unless I’m beside you. Sometimes I just stare at you, trying to find a hint telling me you’re mirage but I can’t fucking find one flaw! One damn thing I don’t adore about you and it scares the shit out of me!” 
He moves closer and grabs my hand, placing it over the left side of his chest. It felt like a small animal was trying to get out from underneath his ribcage. 
“You feel that? It’s not because I’m angry and upset; it’s because you’re in the same room as me. I’m surprised you haven’t heard it at night because its all I can hear, thumping in my ears and my body tingles as I hear your breathing. Everything about you sets me off and I can’t-I don’t know what to do about it.” He says, his voice calming down to a soft tone as his hand covers mine on his chest. 
“Im with her because she’s safe” he says finally and I stare at her with confusion. “She’s secure; she doesn’t make me feel like I’m going crazy, she doesn’t affect me like you do and that’s how I protect myself, I hide in a relationship I can control.” He whispers and I feel myself about to do something I regret. 
“Sam and I aren’t together” I blurt out and a silence slices the air as I see his shocked eyes go livid. 
“He’s my best friend…but I only said we were together because I didn’t want to be alone when you had her” I spill. 
“So I can kiss you right now?” He whispers and I shake my head. 
“You’ve still got a girlfriend” I say and take a step back from him. My head was now pulsing and thunder ripped through the sky outside as silence set in again. 
“Are you mad?” I ask and hear her sigh. 
“Im upset that it’s caused such a mess; but I’m not mad” he says. 
I watched him run his hand through his hair as he stared at the ground, moon light hitting his face making me fall impossibly deeper in love with him.
“Can I have a hug?” I ask timidly and I see his eyes soften. 
“Come here” he says as he slips his arms around my waist and mine circle his neck, pulling us impossibly close and I nuzzle my head into his neck. 
“I love you” I hear him whisper into my shoulder and I let out a sigh. 
“I love you too” I whisper back and we stay in a comfortable silence, just holding each other. 
“im sorry” I say and he pulls back and presses out foreheads together. 
“Im sorry too, I didn’t mean to yell at you”
“We’ll be okay, won’t we Ed?” I ask as I lace out fingers together. The intimate of the moment was making me melt; but I let it happen as the rain beating on the window as our music and our body’s tangled, blaming it on the faded affect of the alcohol. I shouldn’t have caved in like this but I couldn’t help myself. 
“I promise we will be baby, soon” he says kissing my forehead softly. I sniffle as my head stares to ache and he pulls back to look at me. 
“Oh my god you’re sick” he says pushing the hair out of my face. 
“Come on princess” he says softly tugging my hand and leading us to his bedroom. He sits me on the bed and dries my hair as my eyes fall droopy from fatigue and the drunkness. 
He then stands me up and looks into my eyes seeking permission as he takes the hem of my top into his hands. 
“Can I?” He whispers and I suddenly feel self conscious. 
“You’re beautiful, Please don’t be insecure” he begs softly and I melt at his words and nod at him so he slides my top over my head. He grabs the jumper I normally sleep in and slips it over my head before carefully unbuttoning my trousers and pulling them down softly. He takes my hand and pulls me into bed with him, our bodies tangled and faces so close we share breaths. 
“Can we stay like this forever Ed?” I ask staring into hia eyes. Of course I knew we couldn’t; morning was inevitably coming tomorrow and we’d be thrown back into reality. We probably wouldn’t allow ourselves to be this vulnerable to the other for a long while after tonight, our insecurities shining bright as we try to mask our mutual love in our different ways. But it was nice to imagine I could stay lost in a duvet with him for the rest of my life. 
“We’ll have our forever soon, I promise” he replies softly before closing his eyes and nuzzling his nose with mine. In that moment I wanted so badly to move the few inches between us and kiss him, or to even trace his lips with my fingertips to sketch a map of them in my head to think about when I missed him most. I wanted to kiss him with predilection and sentiment, I wanted to trace his skin in the moonlight with airiness and diaphaneity and I wanted to kiss him as if our mouths were filled with flowers or clouds with soft fragrances and fluffy touches. And if I was momentary smothered in him that brief death would be beautiful, and if I was to tell him I loved him I don’t think I could have ever stopped; but instead just stayed awake until the sunlight broke through the window and drank in the face I had unreservedly falling to adore. 
_____________________

I woke up to a buzzing from my pants’ pockets across the room, a skull spilling headache and an empty bed as always. I let out a small sigh and crawled out of his bed to pick up my phone. 
“This better be good Sam” I snap down the phone and I hear him grumble; he’s obviously in the same state as I. 
“You obviously haven’t heard yet, have you?” He croaks out and I notice I can’t hear him probably over the insistent rain pelting on the window. 
“What are you talking about?” I ask and crawl back into bed. 
“Official monsoon warning; no ones allowed leave their homes for the next 72 hours” he says and my jaw drops open. 
“SAM WHAT AM I GOING TO DO” I hiss down the phone. 72 hours stuck in an apartment with Ed was bound to end up with a messy finish. 
“What am I going to do is the question” he starts tiredly. “She likes me, I’d actually say she loves me but she’s ‘committed to Ed’. I told her I wouldn’t give up that easily and she told me not to. But I can safely say my ego has been bruised as well as my neck from her lumpy couch and now I am stuck here, but we can use this to our advantage Tay!” He says excitedly. 
“How do we do that?” 
“72 hours of domestic bliss to show them what they’re missing, and they won’t be able to get enough of us” he says smugly down the phone. 
“It’s too early for your shit Sam, ill text you later” I sigh and I hear a faint ‘good luck’ before I hung up. 72 hours was a long time, who knows what could happen?