Heliophilia (sweeran adapted)

Chapter 27

Chapter 27

I’ve felt pain before. Although I don’t admit it, when my dad left me at the age of 9, it stung. And I’ve gotten in my fair share of fights, physically and verbally. It hurt every time I hit my hipbone on the side of the table and burnt my skin on a hot pan. Mac had hurt me in more ways than one, leaving me alone most of the time to hurt on the inside, and when he couldn’t get his anger out from deep inside of him, he did the easiest thing and took it out on me. Being left on the streets, being looked at like in worth less than a piece of dirt because I didn’t have a home, my stomach crying out in pain because I hadn’t eaten in 9 days; that hurt. Being fucked around most of my life hurt, not feeling good enough hurt, but nothing compared to the pain that ripped through my body when it finally hit me that the guy I was meant to grow old with was dead. Nurses and doctors rushed into the room, alarmed by the wails of pain coming from my mouth I didn’t even know I could produce. Tears didn’t stop for days, I couldn’t even find if in me to breathe so they fitted me with an oxygen machine to breathe for me, but I was ready to give up. Nothing was stopping my heart to just stop beating and my lungs to deflate and my chest to cave in. This wasn’t supposed to happen, he was mine and I was his. Why couldn’t for once, a great love get it’s happily ever after? 
After two more weeks in hospital, they finally released me back to Sam’s apartment. He took off work to take care of me, but I didn’t need a “carer”, I needed him. I wasn’t ill, I was just broken and nothing was going to change that. 
People told me it would get better, they were sorry for my loss. But when you lose something, you’ll probably find it. You lose keys down the side of the sofa and a sock in the wash; you don’t just ‘lose’ the love of your life. I’ll never get him back; I’ll never find him down the back of the sofa or on the floor of my car.
There was a period of time after I got back from the hospital that I just didn’t talk. I didn’t leave the bed. I didn’t eat until Sam fed me; I didn’t sleep until I felt so physically tired I’d pass out. I didn’t move, I stayed in bed and thought about all the “what if’s” and “might have been’s”. What it’s feel like to just be surrounded by him, to go places and see things I’ve never dreamed of with him, expanding my world but keeping him as the only person in it. But I also replayed every moment we shared, every word I could recall, every detail about him until my head started to ache. After 3 weeks of this, the details of his face began to blur, I was forgetting the sound of his voice and the feel of his touch, driving me deeper and deeper into an angry pit of depression.

Sam tried his hardest, cooking and cleaning, buying me new books and holding me when I cried, but it just wasn’t enough. Maria came around once a week, at first it was a mandatory thing to do with work, but it turns out she was a really lovely person and she fit right in with Sam and I. The two of them were the only two people I trusted at the moment, and even though it had almost been 6 weeks, I wasn’t nearly ready to move on. 
“Tay” Sam says softly from the doorframe but I don’t move my eyes from the wall in front of me. I hear footsteps and the mattress of the bed sloping as he slides in beside me. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself” he says, moving his front into my back and wrapping his arms around my waist. 
“It’s been two months” he continues but I don’t react. 
“It’s not fair on me Taylor, I miss my best friend…it’s like you’re here, but you might as well be with him” he says into my shoulder and I feel the tears well in my eyes at the thought of being with him. 
“It’s just so sore Sam” I sob out and turn in his arms to bury my face in his chest. 
“He’s never coming back, and I’m forgetting him already” I voice all my worries that eat away at my brain late at night to him as he rubs my back soothingly. 
“Forgetting means moving on” he whispers into my hair. 
“Then I don’t want to move on” I cry out and hit my hand against his chest before sitting up, rage filling me for some unknown reason.
“You don’t get it Sam. Imagine if it was your fault if Nina died, that she got shot and killed because of you” I half yell as my voice cracks from all the crying. 
“Fuck you Sam! No one understands how painful it is, how sore I feel every second of everyday. And what do I do now? I don’t have anything to work for; I’ve nothing to live for and sleep for and eat for. I don’t even know where I’ll be in 5 years time because I physically can’t picture it. I’m so lost without him, I need him back but I can’t because he’s dead!” I scream at him, the words getting fuller and more filled with venom than I could ever imagine. 
“He promised me the stars Sam! He fucking promised me!” By now he’s locked me in his embrace as I feel my body reacting horribly to the sobs wracking my body. My ribcage was sore from my erratic breathing, my eyes were swollen and my hands shook as he rocked me back and forth, whispering sweet nothing’s in my ear. 
“It’s not your fault Tay, I promise” he says finally and I let out a shaky breath. 
“I don’t believe in promises anymore” I reply before looking up into his brown eyes. 
“But thank you Sammy” I whisper and he kisses my forehead softly before bring us back to bed and wrapping me up in his huge arms.

I was just about to drift off to sleep when a knock on the door makes us both jolt awake. 
“Ignore it” I mumble before I sniffle into his chest. 
“We can’t ignore the world forever Tay” he says gently and slips out of the bed as I hear his footsteps make their way to the door. I hear hushed voices and mumbles but I was too close to sleep to care, so I rolled over and felt myself slipping into darkness but I was woken before I could. 
“Tay, Maria’s here” Sam says from the door and I lift up my head to see a pair of hazel eyes peering at me from the doorframe. 
“Hi Taylor” she says softly. 
“Come in, I don’t bite” I chuckle out hoarsely and sniffle as she sits at the end of the bed and me at the headboard. 
“Sam told me you haven’t been doing too good” she says sadly and I shrug. 
“It doesn’t really get any worse” I say smiling through tear rimmed eyes and I see her visibly swallowing a lump in her throat. 
“I just-he was my forever, and now I’ve got nothing” I speak softly trying to sound strong but my voice cracks just like my fake persona as tears start to tumble down my face. 
“Lord” she mumbles under her breath as she fumbles with her hands. 
“I can’t keep doing this” she says finally and I look up to see her with tear stained cheeks herself. 
“Keep doing what?” I ask and she looks at the wall, deep in thought as her lips move, obviously silently voicing her thoughts to sort them out. 
“What are you doing right now?” She asks and my eyebrows furrow. 
“I’m in bed?” I say obviously and she smirks. 
“No, I mean in general. Are you in college? Are you working?” She continues and I sigh. 
“Eh...no, I’m not doing anything” I answer and she goes back into thoughts. 
“I’m going to send you away” and speaks finally and my jaw flies open. 
“Wh-what? Why?” I ask but she interrupts me. 
“Like a holiday; don’t worry about it. Just show up at the train station tomorrow night...but late, how about 2?” She asks and my eyebrows fly open.
“2am?! Why?!” I ask in a high pitched voice and she smiles back at me. 
“Just to keep you safe. Trust me, okay?” She asks and I nod before she shoots me another smile. 
“Get some rest, and pack warm clothes!” She says and I nod. 
“Thank you Maria, for everything” I say and she smiles warmly before she gives me a small smile and slips out of the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts again.