Losing Control

Chapter Thirteen

All I could hear was my heart thudding in my chest and my ears ringing. It actually felt like being beat up again. It felt like those torturous days in prison, where the blood rushed to my head with every punch, only this time.... There was no physical reason for this feeling.

I couldn't look away from Harrison as the full horror of what he had just said sunk in. Cooper? Cooper couldn't be here. Not when things were finally looking up for me. This wasn't happening.

He was staring at me, his eyes full of sympathy... full of worry for me. I flinched as he reached out his hand towards me and shook my head aggressively.

"No. No... he can't be."

He put his hand back by his side and nodded sadly, looking down at the floor.

"He is Noah. He's here. And I'm just sorry that I was the one to break it to you. I don't want to cause you any hurt."

I looked towards the door as I tried to push my anger down. I wasn't angry at Harrison .... I was angry at the injustice of it all. But I was afraid that my anger would turn into me taking it out on him and I couldn't risk it. I took a step towards the door. He looked up at me in alarm.

"Noah, I asked you not to run. Please.... Don't. I can help you. We can face up to it together."

My hands were trembling as I tried to control my feelings. I knew I shouldn't, but I turned my fierce eyes on Harrison, making him take a step back.

"Face up to it together? How? How do you suggest we do that? My brother killed a man, I did his jail term and went through twelve years of hell, and now he's back? How do you expect me to cope with that?"

He shook his head, never taking his eyes away from mine. I could see all the worry and sympathy there. I didn't want it. I didn't want him to waste his feelings on me.

"I don't know. But if you stay... if you just calm down and talk to me, we can figure it out."

I stared at him wondering if this was what normal people did. Did they really talk about it in a reasonable way when something huge was going on? The only person I could ever talk things through with was my Mom. Why would he want to do this with me? It didn't make sense.

"Harrison .... What do you want from me?"

The look in his eyes changed from worry to surprise. He took a step towards me and raised an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?"

I sighed, and ran a hand through my curls. My hands were still shaking, I wanted to punch something just as I would have done in prison....but I had to control my feelings with him here. I didn't want him to see me as the monster I saw myself as.

"What I mean is, what are you getting out of this? What are you ever going to get in return? I'm a screw-up. Sure, we can talk about my feelings on Cooper and how it will all be OK , then we can even make out some more or..... or go all the way. But what does it matter? This isn't leading anywhere."

Harrison completely closed the gap between us, resting a hand on my arm. My arms were now folded across my chest in an attempt to keep them still. I could feel his warm breath on my cheek as he studied my face. I was looking past him, at the wall behind his head.

"Look at me."

I ignored him of course. He may have made me feel something in the last few days but I was still an asshole who didn't like to be told what to do.

I jumped slightly as I felt his soft hand on my cheek. He turned my face gently so I had no choice but to look at him, then gave me a smile that would have melted even the coldest of hearts.