Losing Control

Chapter Fourteen

I didn't get any sleep that night. How could I sleep knowing that Cooper was back? How could I sleep knowing that if I stayed around here, I would become a murderer? I knew it, I knew it deep down that I would kill him. My own brother. My own flesh and blood. I wouldn't be able to make the bitterness and the hurt of the last twelve years go away. He was the reason why I ended up like this. And just because I still firmly believed that Billy needed justice and that I had to serve the time in place of Cooper, I also knew that I wouldn't ever be fully satisfied until Cooper was gone.

Yes, it meant going back to prison, but things were different now. I could handle it. I knew how to look out for myself and nobody would be giving me any shit. Prison was my home. It would feel familiar to go back. It wouldn't be like out here. Out here was scary, it was new. It involved feelings and I didn't have the energy for that.

The only thing that made my heart sink a little at the thought of going back to jail was Harrison.

Harrison.

I turned over on my bed, trying to get comfortable, but nothing worked. He was so certain that I was a good person..... so sure that I wasn't a monster, even after tonight. Even after I had told him I only went round to his to get laid. He still believed I was nice. Well he was wrong. It did hurt to say cruel things to him. But it had only hurt because he made me have feelings. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have cared that my words would wound him.

The weekend passed by slowly. I had to admit, I was surprised and hugely disappointed when I didn't hear from Harrison at all. I had been expecting him to show up at my grotty motel room with that smile on his face. I expected him to sit on my bed with me, telling me that I was wonderful and that I could never be capable of killing anyone. I wanted him to come over, to at least try and talk me out of what I planned to do. He was the first person who had cared about me in years, but now he clearly didn't want to know.

It was for the best. I didn't really want him to care. So why did it bother me so much when he didn't come over?

Monday eventually came around and it was time for another week of courses to attend. I would talk to White today. I wanted information about Cooper. I had to know his whereabouts if I was going to carry out my plan. And I would carry it out as well. As the last few days had ticked by, my anger had grown and so had the certainty that I was capable of murder. Now all I needed was a location and information so I could get the job done, go back to prison and forget all about Harrison White and the outside world.

I walked to the college slowly, cursing at people who even dared to walk near me. When I arrived, Math dragged by with each second feeling like an hour. All I wanted was to get to Media Studies. I needed Harrison to spill the details. I needed to..... I needed to see him again. Hear him talk, watch his face, see his smile. I tried to swallow the way I was feeling down, but I knew what this was. I missed him. I missed Harrison.

***Cooper winced as he watched his little brother get punched in the stomach. He wanted to stop it but he knew if he did, then the thugs he called his friends would beat him instead. And he couldn't deal with that shit at the moment. He was here on a mission. He was here to prove his worth.

It had been two years since his parents had died. He knew very well the slippery slope that he had taken was a downward spiral. Up until he got the phone call that his beloved Dad had been killed in a road accident, he was not only a model pupil, but a model son as well. Him and Noah were both good kids. They were always getting comments on how nice and well behaved they were. But that call about his Dad.... It changed everything. He looked up to his Dad in a way that nobody ever knew. His Dad taught him everything from reading and writing, to fishing and riding a bike. When you asked most boys what they wanted to be when they grew up, they would say a soccer star or baseball player. A rock star or movie actor. But Cooper.... Well he wanted to be just like his Dad.