Losing Control

Chapter Twenty Two

My mouth was dry, my stomach completely empty. There were no more tears left to cry. There were no more excuses to make. Not many people could say they had been on a journey similar to mine. From having a happy childhood, to becoming an orphan at fourteen. From idolising my big brother to watching him become a murderer. From being an innocent young kid to becoming a convicted criminal. From believing in love and humanity to having every inch of what was good inside me stripped away. From thinking I couldn't possibly go through any more pain to losing Harrison and seeing Cooper kill himself ....a cold laugh escaped my mouth as I walked the street. What a life story it would make. It would win Oscars if it were a movie.

I didn't know how my story would end. My brain went from thinking I should end it all, to wanting to say goodbye to Harrison and go back to prison just like Cooper promised I would. His final parting shot. I couldn't help but think that going to prison rather than jumping off a bridge would mean I could possibly one day see Harrison again. That thought kept me going. I had to get the image of a bloodied Cooper out of my head, so I thought of Harrison. I thought of our good times together. The times he had believed in me. When he looked at me, really looked at me, I knew for certain that he could see inside me. He could see that I never wanted this life. He made me want to be better.

I found myself outside the hospital. I wondered if I would be kicked out as soon as I walked in but I had to take that risk. I shivered as a breeze sent leaves scattering past my feet. I took a deep breath and walked through the automatic doors. I found a water dispensing machine close by and downed two cups in one go.

I had spent so much time in this place when my Mom got ill that I could remember it all. I remembered exactly where Harrison's room was without having to look. I walked through the corridors, not meeting the eyes of the nurses and doctors bustling passed. I didn't want any of them to recognise me and throw me out before I could say goodbye to him. I knew Harrison wouldn't want to see me, but as long as I got my words out, said the things I needed to say, then it would be OK.

As I rounded the corner, I walked straight into somebody, stomping on their foot by accident.

"Watch it." I snarled. I was shocked at how viscous my voice sounded. But I guessed witnessing a suicide like I just had would do that to a person.

"Noah? Oh my....Noah, I'm so glad you are here son. I was then on my way to look for you."

I looked up with a start, realising that I had just walked into Reggie. Along with Harrison, Reggie also made me want to be a better man. He just had that way about him. I was instantly ashamed that I had snapped at him.

"Did I uh....Did I hurt you? I didn't realise it was you. Sorry Reggie."

He shook his head and smiled at me kindly. It was only after he smiled at me that I clicked what he had just said. He was looking for me.

"Is Harrison OK? Please tell me he's OK. He hasn't taken a turn for the worse has he?"

I ran a hand through my hair anxiously and tried to walk past Reggie, but he grabbed my arm, holding me in place.

"Harrison is OK. It's alright. Just hang on. Let me explain son."

I couldn't help but feel warm inside when he called me son. It somehow made me feel less alone.

I relaxed my body and nodded, indicating that he should go ahead and speak.

"Listen Noah, I'm sorry about what happened before. Everyone turning on you like that and threatening to call the cops. It was wrong. You served your time and I should have spoken up, I should have defended you. But my priority was Harrison. I hope you can understand that."