Frustration Diaries

June 27, 2016

21:33

Days like this makes me realize how inconsequential I am as a being.

Nope...not a pity party.

Just had a shitty start on my week...

Some people let out their frustration making music, painting pretty pictures, and stuff like that. But as for me, I couldn't even construct a decent rant on a best rant worthy state.

The state being on the verge of unemployment with no competitive edge to offer the world. With not even a single recreational talent to ease the mind of all these overwhelming and daunting situation.

Reality sucks and I'm not eloquent enough to elaborate it more appropriately.

My brain is unable to properly function up until now down to I don't know when.

It feels like every step I take was just a little too late and I was the ever foolish wasting my time.

I could barely keep up with the world to the point that crazy stupid things run through me. I'm in a normal pace of awareness but in a snail pace of absorbing and comprehending anything.

My mother...

What would have I done if my mother wasn't the way she is.

She told me to trust her and I really wanted to. Still I cannot lie to myself no matter how many efforts I waste. It just doesn't know how to chill.

Though, this is just how I deal with everything. Overthinking won't lead to any good and yet that's what I'm doing until at this moment that I'm typing for this entry. Practical reactions aren't part of my system. Disciplining my emotions lead to a more disastrous reactions, so I let myself be. I keep on teaching myself to detach when faced with situations that's out of my league of understanding, it either make me look dumb or a cold person. And when realization slowly creeps in whether I decided to be devastated or to be angry with the world I cry it out automatically whether privately or embarrassingly in public. It's a bit of my downfall because of people constantly thinking of it in the wrong way. I never wish to cry in front of anybody, it's never a fun thing for me of course, I never intend to use waterworks for show. I'm not so desperate like that.

But it was just the more acceptable quirk compared to I-don't-know-what if I show and speak out my genuine reactions to things.

Right this minute, though, this petty overthinking is still on hyper activate. 

One of the million moments where I say 'I give up' but would be glad (hopefully) to be waking up the next morning to absorb more pain. (yey! ...not)

As I've mentioned in another entry - and that I would keep telling to myself...

I'm truly blessed but I'm too weak to truly appreciate and accept that. I'm not making excuses for myself I just wanted to avoid from making promises I know I have no capacity of pushing through. It's a cowardice, yes, but it gives me tiny bit of peace of mind for what it's worth.