Frustration Diaries

April 27, 2017

23:07

Long time...

I've been quite avoiding you, dear blank pages.

Telling to myself, what's your purpose?

But more likely the question is directed to me...

If you should know...

I really wanted to say that I'm happy to where I'm standing now...but who am I kidding right?

Surely, neither HIM nor I.

After all the great miracles He had rained on me still I crown Him with thorns and nail Him on a cross.

How could I deny it, Lord, though?

When not only in my mind it seeps, it's getting physical and to no relief.

My bones are flaking, my muscles aching.

Don't mind my rants, dear God.

You know I now understood when you utter the words, "My God, why have you abandoned me?"

...or at least I found my own explanation that gives me peace.

***

Have I been avoiding my consequences again, Lord?

Or have I finally had done things that are irreversible and now I was the last one to know?

It was my doing, I know - I only got what I asked for, and yet the sorrow mocks me.

I'm getting tons of practice at hide and...hide, on the bright side.

We couldn't have it all, right?

I'm glad I don't have anything...it aches a little less.

***

I'm too indifferent to remember all my melancholy, tonight.

Too ambitious again to feel my feet on the ground.

Too careless again to take caution.

I just can't help but pour it out even when the feeling now is just a phantom to the gruelsome days, weeks, and months that had had past.

Added to other gruelsome things in my internal world that I seem to be developing a talent on...not