Frustration Diaries

April 22, 2016

11:20 PM

So tonight, I find myself back here...

I couldn't sleep, I'm restless, and I'm wide awake... Though, nights like this isn't unusual.

This happens more often than nights where I get enough rest.

What's bothering me, you might ask?

Well -

I'm not really sure what exactly.

It's a mere feeling than of concrete thought that plays in my consciousness. Dark...dark feeling...

Feeling that make words insufficient to express it despite the thousands and millions of vocabulary that existed...I'm one single being, it's not possible for me to acclaim it all.

Resist as I may I could never escape darkness. Though, I know it's not my enemy, it's my friend. Daylight on the contrary is... Where I have to feel okay, where I have to hide who I am, where I have to be what others expect me to be, where I struggle to exist...

Don't get me wrong, I have a good life. I don't have much but I never went hungry; went without clothes, went without education. I had been given what was necessarily -- direly, yes -- but was given.

However, it's the battle inside me that I'm most exhausted from. I have tried to comprehend but I couldn't, I have tried to go with the flow but it was drowning me. I have been fighting but every time I thought I could see the light I reached dead ends...

I've been told not to self-pity, been aware there are a lot more people who have heavier battles than mine. I know, I know.

Although, sometimes...I get sick of lying to myself. By hugging my own pain it's the only way I knew effective that gets me to pretend for one more day. The truth, you want to know?

It's dead. It's beautiful but it's dead.

It sounds ungrateful, yes. That's the reason I keep it to myself. It's better that way... No one would understand. We all have our unique problems. I wouldn't understand yours, too.