Frustration Diaries

December 29, 2016

So Hi.

It has been a while.

A while I tried my best not minding my frustrations and tried facing all of my flaws.

Doing what I could to change for the good and to better my ways in dealing with everything that's handed to me.

And yet here I am, ranting nothings inside these blank pages.

Pouring feelings I was never able to elaborate. Even when I myself would read back, I wouldn't remember what all of these words were about.

It seems that no matter what solution I came up with it ends up in the same road.

I'm not, however, getting jaded by how things always fail. I just became more accepting of it. It just gets harder to hear the same painful words over and over and over and over.

I do wish I would get numb though, so that I could focus on what should be done and not be bothered by pesky emotions.

It's easy to resent my brain for only retaining painful things but selective of the important ones. It's like a computer, unreliable as time passes by. Betrays you when you most needed it to be working well.

I keep praying to the Lord to forgive my obnoxious thoughts and insignificant existence. I stopped promising HIM of me changing because I know I would not, despite putting genuine effort to do so. I became coward of committing to any good deed because I know I would neglect it whether intentionally or unintentionally.

I guess I just have to prepare myself of receiving HIS wrath and just move on even if I could barely move. It's how it feels these days. I don't dare blame HIM, it is all my disgrace. I do deserve these hardship.

But I'm getting weary, even more so that nobody knows it but me.

I won't try to explain it to anyone. I will just opt to accept all the negative thoughts they have and will have about me. That's how it will be any other way.