Frustration Diaries

August 19, 2017

21:38

Special occassions...

Should have meant something...

It seems like a curse that began out of nowhere.

But it seemed tamer this year.

Is it?

I have no clue - don't even wanna know.

Afraid it'd only be the calm before the storm.

At this moment of my career I shouldn't be feeling like this.

I don't want to seem ungrateful but everytime I ignore my hunch (which I often do) always turns out into a disaster.

I don't want to be a pessimist any longer but it seems to get me by when things hit.

I don't want to be scared but all bravery does is make me a fool.

I don't want to be cautious every damn time but it seems it's the only way around.

I don't want to seem like a leech at times of trouble but I can't seem to get out of one after the other, Lord.

I'm bone tired, weary, and soul sick.
But I know YOU are in ten fold of pain that I'm in.

You've blessed me more compared to greater than half the world full of your children and yet I don't want to lie to myself, at least, that I am not in pain.

That it doesn't leak through and could even feel it physically.

That I don't resent.

I would at least not be a hypocrite to myself.

Am I really this self-centered?
Yes, most likely.

Do I have a choice?
Yes, perhaps.

If I say it out loud - would it make it not real? Would it be solved? Won't it come back?

Really?

Who are we kidding?

Did it make it less painful? Was it worth it? Was I worth it?

I'm all kinds of wrong, would YOU still save me if there was only one person left who wasn't your burden?

I apologize if no one was left. Will YOU please still save us?

I know YOU already did.

I just don't like special occassions.

Gives me the worst nightmares when I'm wide awake.