Frustration Diaries

June 8, 2016

I suck at relationships.

Every kind of it.

Family relationships

Romantic relationships

even friendships...

I'm terrible with people.

I would never win Ms. Congeniality.

Not even retain a single friend for the rest of my life.

It's one of my many curse. I must have done something grueling and unforgivable not even mentionable in the past life - not that I truly grasp the concept of reincarnation... I'm not complaining, I'm simply stating facts.

Well...to be honest, yeah, I might be complaining.

If I'm not being punished for an atrocious past with despicable deeds then maybe if my soul came from fallen angels...Being fallen is why I'm being punished for?!

Outrageous imaginings alert!

Everything's wrong with me that I can't even fathom how long the list goes.

I have no idea where am I going to put myself. When I try to be better, I would be branded fake, gullible, dimwitted, and so on. Then I try to care less, carpe diem, brands change to rude, heartless, selfish and the list goes on. Whether I would do things I could or not, I seem to never find peace.

I could never pretend I'm not hurt, I'm not tired, I'm not giving up.

I could never pretend that I'm not numb with pain, that I'm not looking forward for the next backlash, that I hate pity parties.

That I believe in happy endings and in people. They always let me down as often as I let myself down. It's not intentionally, it's just how it is.

I could never pretend I'm not jaded since nine...

I'm not allowed to lose patience, lack understanding, forget to respect people who'd done me wrong.

I'm not allowed to make decisions out of their limitations.

Yes, they all have valid reasons. Mine doesn't matter.

What for do I matter anyway?

I'm just tired. And weary. And weak. And having said these, I'm in my twenties and I envy the dead.

Go brand me selfish.

Go brand me immature.

Go brand me ungrateful.

Go brand me  anything you like.