Random

why?

They tell me im beautiful ,that im loved, that im not broken.....but they dont know me till you've been up to hear my sobs at 4am or to see me have anxiety attacks. The look in my eye or the panic in my eyes when someone made a joke about cutting.  when im at my happiest then like a switch being flip how my depression kicks in. No they dont know me,The me i am. What about  the me i want to be? no one knows  but me.....i was happy once back when I was naive and didn't know what I know now. He was supposed to be the only guy who would not hurt me.... i cant help it i miss him, even though I should hate him for what he  has done but everyone knows  happy ever afters dont exist. Well i wasn't  always like this ..key word : wasn't  ... and i feel empty like the happiness was ripped from in me and smashes and burnt in front of my eyes and there was i could do nothing to stop it. Oh oops it sounds like im talking about a boy I fell in love with but no im not. Im talking about the only man who is supposed to treat me like a princess. To love, care, protect is a fathers duty but it wasn't even on my dads list of duties,he has never really cared for me and I guess its okay cause I have grown up being strong. Don't get me wrong it hurts every single day that my dad doesn't want me. I feel like a mistake in his eyes and I wondering if  im the reason he does what he does. He is one of the main causes of why im so sad. Why he hurts me ill never know. He  has this cycle  he does he hurts me  then comes back and apologizes and promise he will change. Then he tries to buy back my forgiveness with gifts and does it all over again.  Its been that way all my life he messes up and never learns. Its so dam frustrating ,makes me want to scream and punch something or someone.