Dream Stories Awards 2016 | ON HOLD

1 | Anomaly

Title: Anomaly

Author: LollipopAddict2013

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Summary: Since she left two years ago, Skye Pricefield has spent her entire life trying to get back to her hometown of Altine, a place she left her best friend, her childhood memories, and her happiness behind.

But now, two years later, she is finally back. But she's found something- and it's not good.With the help of the best friend she abandoned and the guy she trusts without even knowing him, Skye has to track down a murderer without the help of the police.And along the way, they might just find some interesting stuff.

Sexual Content: No.

Review made by: valim_daniela

Okay, so I'm going to start with the cover. Before reading I didn't quite like it very much, like I felt it didn't catch me, it didn't exactly make me want to read the book. After reading it I kinda really, really liked it because well, it makes complete sense. Not weird at all. This happens a lot, sometimes it is the other way round, the cover is amazing and the story... well, let's just say it isn't. But you should really, really, REALLY be careful there, the cover is nice because it is actually related to the story, but it isn't a 100% attractive, and a cover is the first thing that makes us look at a book, so really check that.

Now, your grammar was really good. Really good. But it wasn't exactly flawless. Now, I'm not a grammar nazi and English isn't my first language, so don't trust me completely on this, but you should check it, there are just like two mistakes on the first 3 chapters (including prologue), so everyone, please clap with me for this *claps alone*

One thing I think you REALLY, ABSOLUTELY and COMPLETELY need to do is separate paragraphs. You mostly do this:

And she left. The room was dark and lonely, but I thought if she was with me then everything would be okay. But she wasn't. And it wasn't okay anymore.
It was hard to accept that she had left, gone with that other man that wanted nothing of her but her body. But then it was just reality.
I loved her for everything she was, and yet she didn't feel the same way about me. She loved another man.

Am I getting my point? Obviously I centred it to make it stand out, and I totally just made that text up. But what I want to say with this is you need to double–tap the "return" button and give space between paragraphs, that way it will not be confusing and stuff, it will look cleaner and it will help your reader not to get frustrated. (It happens, not to everyone, but it does happen). Like this:

And she left. The room was dark and lonely, but I thought if she was with me then everything would be okay. But she wasn't. And it wasn't okay anymore.

It was hard to accept that she had left, gone with that other man that wanted nothing of her but her body. But then it was just reality.

I loved her for everything she was, and yet she didn't feel the same way about me. She loved another man.

Your narration was REALLY good, it was brilliant at some points. But. Not at every single sentence. There was one line at Skye's POV where she says something like "God, I'm such a teacher's pet." and it didn't work for me. Of course this is just my opinion, maybe some people like it, but I feel like it doesn't quite belong there, it doesn't feel natural. There are some similar cases and they absolutely not work for me. Sorry. I recommend that you read it aloud a couple of times, that should help, if it doesn't sound good for you then edit it until it does. Remember that sometimes something sounds right inside your head, but if you check it again after a while it won't anymore, and your readers won't guess how it sounded inside your head. Hope I'm getting my point.

The story is amazing, it is interesting and catchy and just makes me want more. I will actually finish the story on my personal account ( valim_daniela ) because the story really worked for me, it caught my attention and said "hey, you want to know what happens next so don't even think about it and keep reading girl," so I'll give you a +1 because of that.

Now, about the use of italics, you don't use them that much, but when you do ( NAMASTE ABOUT THIS ) you use them correctly and I simply loved that. Thank. You. So. Bloody. Much.

Well, your characters... I like them, they have personality, they have backgrounds, they have everything. But. I wouldn't be able to picture them inside my head if it weren't for the drawings on the banners. Oh–oh. You have a problem there. You need more descriptions. Urgently. Because imagine if your book gets published, there may be drawings, but there may not be. What would you do if there weren't drawings? How would you get your readers picturing your characters? You want your readers to get the exact same image you have inside your head, you want them to get it while they keep reading, you need them to have the mental image of the characters. It is probably one of the most important things when writing, making your readers get the pictures and at least I didn't get them because of what I read. With this being said, I will just say I have the same opinion about the backgrounds. I got pictures inside my head not because you gave them to me, but because I have that ability, I just create stuff even if it isn't there, but not everyone does this. Some people get a blank page inside their heads and that doesn't work, that isn't very nice when reading. So check that. Please. Your story has potential, but this little details are holding it back.

Now, your summary. I like your summary, it gives you really an interesting idea about what the story is going to be about, but I still think it needs more. I am TERRIBLE at making summaries, it's probably the hardest thing for me when writing, so I really cannot help you with telling you how to improve it and I apologise for it, but if you just want to keep it that way it's perfectly fine since it isn't a bad summary, it explains the story, it helps you get your point, and that's what summaries are for after all. It only needs that spice (lol) that makes a reader say "Bloody hell, I need to read this", although sometimes the summary is absolutely astonishing and the book is awful, but meh. It's not your case.

Last but not least, I think you should add some A/N, this is absolutely optional, but it helps you a lot to get a good relationship with your readers. Again, that's just my opinion, you may not like socialising and stuff (happens to me) but maybe try it someday?

I think that's it. But for the ratings (this is where it gets scary):

Cover: 7.5/10
Grammar: 9.8/10
Story: 8/10
Italics: 10/10
Characters (descriptions): 4/10
Backgrounds (descriptions): 3/10
Summary: 7/10
Extra Point (Author's Note): 0/10

General Rating: 8/10

Note: Your actual rating is 7 points out of 10, but as I said before (I feel like a Mexican teacher) I gave you a +1 for the awesomeness of the story. Don't get too excited, I don't do this very often XD

So that's it for Anomaly. Keep it up, check it, edit it, make it flawless and perfect, you can do this, it has a great potential, so keep the hard work and good luck!

Love,

Dany. 🍉