The Silent Fighter

Valentine's Day

I had to get off at Aunt Lyra's and Uncle Bob's again today. My mom, I think, is back in the hospital. It's not for the same reason and it's not the same hospital, but now she has to go to therapy everyday. When I get off the bus Uncle Bob is there to pick me up to go to Dairy Queen.  That's our thing we do now. Everyday after school, as long as I get off there, him and I go to Dairy Queen. We have a race to get in the car and see who can get their seat belts on the fastest. Whenever I get off at that stop he'll always get out of his blue pick-up and make sure it's a fair race. He is one of my role models, the other one is my dad. I remember back when I was maybe three or four and I was being a little brat because I was babied a little bit by my mom. I don't blame her I am her first child. Anyways, I was being a brat because I didn't get something I wanted. I was screaming bloody murder downstairs with him. Aunt Lyra wasn't home it was just him and I. 

"Autumn," Uncle Bob said calmly, "if you keep crying like that you're going to throw up," that only made me scream louder. 

"No!" I screamed at him. Instead of yelling back, he calmly sat down and played his video game while I kept screaming. After about a half an hour I did end up throwing up, I never cried like that again. Uncle Bob is one of the main reasons I am who I am today. He's more like a grandfather to me rather than an uncle. 

So tomorrow is Valentine's Day, Everly says I should get Connor something really cool like a wallet that says Green Day, that's his favorite band. The thing is, no one knows that I have a boyfriend in my family and it's not like I can drive up to Walmart and get him something. Besides, I have so much stuff going on right now, what am I supposed to do? Well, I guess it's nice to have something somewhat normal going on in my life for once. I'll probably just find something at home. 

All I could find at home is a little stuffed animal puppy that says "I love you," but we haven't said that to each other yet. Although, it has been almost 6 months, maybe it'll be okay. I stuff that in my bag then go downstairs to see what else I could find. I found a chocolate covered fortune cookie with a valentine in it, only some were inappropriate.... My mom got those for Andrew. I decide to just use it anyways. Then, I grabbed a little heart lollipop and shoved it in a bag. 

"Hi Sissy!" Susie sings out.

"Hi Susana, happy Valentine's Day!"

"You too!" 

"Listen Susie I've gotta go, but I'll get you something after school for Valentine's Day," I smile at her.

"Okay! Bye bye!"

"Bye bye," I smile. 

I walk out the door and go to the bus stop. Conner gets on before me so I have to see him when I get on, I see him and try to look him in the eye and smile, but I end up looking past him instead. I go to sit down next to him and he has his headphones on, just like always. 

We're halfway through the bus ride when finally he turns to me and pulls out his headphones. 

"Happy Valentine's Day," he says blandly with a half smile and hands over a heart shaped box of chocolates with Charlie Brown on the front. I smiled and gave him a hug. Then I opened my bag to pull out what I got for him. I rummage through my bag searching for his gift, but all I could find was the heart shaped lollipop. 

"Um, thanks," Connor said.

"I have something else, hang on let me find it." I keep going through my bag, but there is nothing there. What happened to it? I remember clearly placing it in my bag this morning. "Connor, I'm sorry I really did have something, I have no idea what happened to it."

"It's whatever."

As the day went on things kept getting worse. We haven't talked all day. I can't concentrate, I can't focus. I'm even thinking about what happened on the bus I just can't think straight. I feel as though I am in a dream state. Like, I feel like I am in a dream right now, except I know that it's real. I don't even feel like talking to my friends, I'm not mad at anyone or anything, I just don't want to interact with anyone, and I don't know why.

Finally, the bus pulls up at my stop. I cannot wait to  just get inside and relax. When I open the door I see Susie playing on the floor and I smile. She looks up from her toys, which she calls her people, and sees me and she has the goofy little grin on her face that I love.

"Sissy!" She sings out. "I missed you so much, I have something for you!"

"You do? You're the sweetest thing, what is it?"

"Well, I had to steal this from your pack pack so I could give it to you because I thought it was so cute!"

"Susie, you're so funny, what did you 'steal' from my back pack?"

"Tada!" She holds in front of me the little puppy that says I love you and barks.

"Susana, you took that?"

"Yes I did, but now I'm giving it to you as a present! Happy Valentine's Day!" I can't believe this, but at the same time, I can't be mad at her. She's only five and she's so sweet, I guess I can't get mad at her. Even though I'm not mad, I just don't really have an emotion right now, I don't know why. 

"Thanks Susie."

"Don't you like it? I worked very hard to get it."

"Of course I do, it was nice of you to do that, but it is not good to steal. That was mine and you do not take things from me. Do you understand?" I instantly regret what I just said. Her bottom lip started to quiver, then then she burst into tears. "Susana, wait I'm sorry I didn't mean it. It was a very sweet gift I love it," I really didn't mean what I said, I don't even know why I said it. She is a five year old trying to do something nice for me. Why would I say that?

"Susana," our mom exclaimed," what's wrong? Are you hurt?" 

"S-Sissy hurt my f-feelings," and she burst into tears once more.

"Autumn Rose! What is wrong with you? What did you say?"

"All I said was that it is not good to steal because she stole something from my bag!"

"Susie, did you?"

"Y-yes, but I only did it so I could give her a present."

"Rose, I do not want to see you until dinner time. Go to your room."

"I can't even be down here?"

"If you stay down here then you won't even get dinner, go to your room. I am so disappointed in you." I give her a look then stomp to my room and start crying. What is wrong with me? Maybe they're right, maybe I just need to grow up and get over myself. 

*Downstairs*

"Susie, do you feel better now?"

"Yes Mommy."

"Good, it's time for bed, come on let's go upstairs."

"No! I don't wanna sleep with Sissy, she'll yell at me!"

"I'll go talk to her, just stay here I'll be back."

"Wait! I wanna come with you. I'll wait in the hallway."

"Alright." Amber walks up the stairs and Susana climbs the mountain going up two stairs at a time and using the railing as a rope.

"Okay Mommy, I'll wait here."

"Knock knock, Autumn? It's Mom." Amber tip toes over to Autumn's bed. Amber tip toes back out of the girls' room. "Susana, your sister is asleep, come on in." Susana skips in and jumps into bed, Autumn moves around a little bit, but doesn't wake up.

"Goodnight Mommy," Susana sweetly says.

"Goodnight my little angel." Susana turns over to go to sleep while hugging her teddy bear tight. Amber moves over to Autumn. "I love you too," she whispers to her while covering her up with a the blanket that Autumn had kicked off in her sleep. 

"I don't know what Autumn remembers or what she has seen," Amber writes in her journal, "I hope that little Susie hasn't seen anything. I know Autumn has seen some, but I don't know how much. I wish I could remember what happened. I want to talk to Autumn about it, but if she saw too much I don't want to bring back memories for her. I don't know what to do anymore. That medicine really messed me up, I don't even remember how it messed me up or what I took the day, I don't remember anything. God, help me please. I am begging you. You saved me when I was a baby, and I don't know why you did that, but save me again. Please?"