The Silent Fighter

In a Daze...

The next few months flew by; the custody paper's were pretty much finalized. It is now July; they'd just passed America's birthday on the fourth of July. It's Amber's time with Autumn for two weeks; their schedule consists of two weeks at her dad's, two weeks at her mom's, and it keeps going until school starts back up again. Except this time when school starts back up, she won't be going to West County Middle School anymore, she'll be going to Bell Valley Middle School. She's a little nervous, but at least she'll have Ava and on top of that, she'll be the oldest in the school, she'll be in eighth grade. 

*****

Inhaling deeply, Autumn trots into the kitchen, happily, hoping Amber might be a little more at ease than she has been the past few months.

"Hey, Mama," she says, plopping down on the wooden kitchen chair. Amber smiles sadly, but enough to show that she's trying a little.

"Hi, Sweetheart," she chokes out. "Okay, Autumn, I signed most of the, um, papers. Sweetie, why didn't you just tell me?"

"I'm sorry, Mama. I was going to I really was, I kept forgetting, and also, I was worried you'd get mad at me and yell at me," she spits out looking down.

"Autumn, I am so sorry," Amber drops her head in shame. Autumn feels a sudden, strong feeling of guilt. She tries to make Amber feel better by taking some of the blame.

"No, Mama, you're right," she pauses for a breath, going over her next lines carefully. "It was my fault, I should've told you when this happened. I'm sorry I really am," she smiles shyly at Amber, Amber does the same back. 

"Thank you, but you're just a kid you shouldn't be making these huge decisions, you're twelve years old. These things should be left for the grown-ups," she said a little ruder than intended, maybe. 

"Right, but I made this decision," she half laughed and smiled as wide as she could to try and dodge any lecturing, but that didn't work as well as she planned. Amber's mood changes immediately  Autumn a hateful, glare dead in the eye. 

"Do not use that tone with me," she rages. 

"Mom, I don't want to start anything really I-" 

"Get upstairs. Now!" She screams so loud that the neighbors could probably hear. Autumn stands, furious now with her mother, shoves the chair under the table, stomps up the stairs, and slams her door almost breaking it. "Autumn! Open the door now and close nicely," Autumn ignored her. Furiously, Autumn hears her Amber thumping up the stairs and she frantically runs around looking for somewhere to hide in her small room. Just then, Amber explodes through the door making Autumn jump. Autumn, with her mouth wide open, begins to speak, but all that comes out is silence. 

"Wipe that stupid, dumb look off your face. When I tell you to do something you hear me?" Autumn nods her head rapidly. "I said you you hear me?" Amber yells even louder.

"Yes," Autumn yells back firmly. 

"You are such a pain in my ass you know that? Ugh! I could just slap you!" Autumn gasps loudly, shocked that she'd even say something like that. 

"I hate you!" Autumn screams without even thinking, regretting it as soon as the words rolled off the tip of her lips and she gasps again. "Wait, Mama, I didn't mean that it just came out I-" Amber holds her hand up to dramatically to cut her off. Amber waves the wet dish towel that she has in her hand in frustration. 

"You know what?!" Amber blares at her. Autumn remains hunkered under her blue and white bunny quilt that she's had since she was a baby. She stares into Amber's cold deep sea blue eyes, and Autumn stares right back. Amber's dirty blonde hair is a wreck, she probably hadn't washed it in days. The anger on her face emphasizes her dimples greatly. 

Autumn still remains still, staring at the woman who she doesn't seen to recognize anymore. 

"That's great, Autumn, it truly is. You know every once in awhile you could try and agree with me, but no! Autumn does whatever she wants in her little Autumn world and you know where that'll get you? Huh? That's right. NOWHERE," Autumn thinks about this for a moment. She remembers hearing her mom and her grandma talking a long time ago, Autumn was no bigger than three years old. She thinks back and remembers her grandma lecturing Amber about this, the exact conversation. 

"You know, Amber, you have to start taking charge here soon; you have a three year old little girl who isn't even old enough to understand this yet,' she looked over at little Autumn who was watching intently.

"Mom, stop it, she can hear you, you know?"

"Oh please, Amber, she's not going to remember this," Amber sighed at her mother. "Anyways, Amber, honey, I love you with all my heart, but you need to stop with all this dreaming of yours. It was great before and your dreams were amazing, but you've got Autumn now. You have to put your dreams on hold for now, especially since you're not even sure what your dream is anyways."

"But, Mom-"

"Stop it, Amber!" She raised her voice a little bit. "It's not going to happen do you hear me? It's NOT. Get out of Amber land. It's too late now."

Autumn reflects back on the conversation then finally snaps out of it to realize Amber is still yelling at her.

"Are you even listening to me? No! Of course not!" Infuriated, she takes the wet dish rag that she had in her hands and strikes Autumn with it on her leg. Autumn yelps out, but not because she's hurt, she's shocked. Immediately, Amber's eyes become soft. "Autumn, I'm so sorry I don't know what-"

"Please, leave my room," Autumn states calmly. Amber nods her head in approval and tries hard not to cry. Autumn watches her stumble to leave, not looking Autumn in the eye. Autumn watches Amber's blue eyes form a tear, the same color eyes she'd passed on to Autumn. She watches the same dirty blonde hair as Autumn on her mother sway rapidly as she shakes. Amber disappears from the room, shuts the door, and proceeds to sobbing in her room. 

Autumn remains hunched over in her bed, silent, no words. She won't cry, she tries to reflect back on what Michael had said to her as a child up until now. 

"There's no reason to cry, if you're hurt don't cry, just yell out 'son of a bitch!'" He would tell her, she'd giggle.

"But, Daddy, that's a bad word I can't say that," she giggled again. 

"Oh, that's right. Well you can say, 'son of a motherless goat!'" Autumn laughed out loud when he said that. 

"Son of a motherless goat," she whispers to herself, making her smile. She perks up a little bit and stands up to look in the mirror to wipe her tears. She studies herself in the mirror intently. She sees her dirty blonde hair in a wreck from the fight; it sways back and forth, still a little shaken up from the surprise whack on her leg. Looking down at her leg, she examines the red slash on her pale skin. It looks worse than it really is, she's got her mother's ghostly, white skin so it turns red even with the slightest graze. Her eyes gradually make their way back up to meet her own deep see blue in the mirror. She attempts to form a smile, then notices her dimples, those familiar dimples. She'd know them anywhere except not her own, they're her mother's.