WANTED

Broken{Chapter Sixteen}

It was almost a month since I had gone into hiding.
Tyson and the guys were right,the police weren't searching for me that much.
The guys went to check on my mom, they said she was getting better.
Bob on the other hand hadn't shown any signs of recovering.
If he died, I would have been labeled as a murder.
Pretty scary...terrifying was more like it.
The nightmares were getting more intense and real.
I dreaded night time, it was around 10:23pm, everybody was asleep.
I quietly made my way downstairs and sat in the lounge with the side lamp on.
If I closed my eyes for even a second, I saw Bob's face.
Taunting me, laughing at me.
Daring me to fall asleep so that he'd invade my dreams.
I just wanted it all to stop.
I heard that physical pain helped to numb the emotional pain, maybe, just maybe if I caused myself physical pain, I would stop feeling the emotional pain.
I made my way to the kitchen and found a knife.
I sat against the fridge and looked at the knife.
I closed my eyes and brought the knife to my wrist, I took a deep breath and felt the sharp edge of the knife on my skin.
My heart's beat quickened and I felt the blood flow down my hand.
I opened my eyes and saw the damage I had done.
The pain wasn't numbing my emotional pain, so I cut myself again, this time a bit deeper.
I groaned in pain, suddenly the scene of me stabbing Bob flashed through my mind.
"Please stop," I cried rocking back and forth,"Please stop, please stop please stop please stop."
But he wouldn't...he wouldn't.
I could hear him laughing, mocking me.
I covered my ears with my hands, but it wasn't helping.
I could hear him...I could still hear him.
I wasn't crazy, I know I wasn't.
Bob was there...in my head.
And he wouldn't go!
I drew my knees closer to my chest,"Two girls went to the market to get a gift for their mother, they were good girls and came home with their mothers gift. She was happy and happy and happy and happy so happy so happy so happy."
When I younger,when I couldn't go to sleep, my mom and I made up a little story about two girls who went to the market to get their mother a gift and the mother was happy.
The story always made me go to bed - but not today.
"Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts," I said rocking back and forth,"Think happy thoughts, it's not working, damn it! Think happy thoughts, be strong for your mom, be strong for your mom, she wouldn't want you to break like this, mom please wake up I need you, dad, my dad needs you, you don't need Bob, you don't need him you don't need him. I need you."
Bob's voice was getting louder and louder and louder.
I started banging the back of my head against the fridge, over and over and over again.
I was never gonna make it in prison never.
If only my parents hadn't gotten a divorce, if only Bob hadn't started liking my mom, if only my mom didn't like him back.
Why, why did I allow her to marry him.
At first he looked so harmless, so kind and caring...but that was all just a masquerade.
The first he ever hit my mom was when he came back from work and he was really grumpy, my mom made fun of his grumpiness just to make him laugh...well he wasn't laughing.
He slapped my mom so hard, she fell to the ground.
Bob walked out of the house and came back four hours later.
And he brought her chocolates and flowers as a means of apology.
She forgave him...but weeks later he hit her again, that was the beginning of mom's abusive relationship.
Sad thing was she always blamed herself for his rotten behaviour.
Always.
I begged her to leave him, she wouldn't.
At first I thought she didn't want to leave him for his money,but I knew she never cared about money.
She wasn't that kind of woman, she wasn't a gold digger.
Later on, I found out that the reason she wouldn't leave him was because he was playing mind games with her.
He made her feel useless and unwanted, I even heard him say that if she left him, he'd make sure the whole world knew how abusive she was.
He said he'd make her life a living hell and that he'd take me away and she'd never see me again.
I knew my mom would move mountains for me...so she stayed with him and his abusive ways.
I was to blame for her not leaving him, she wanted to keep me safe, so she sacrificed her freedom for me.
If only I wasn't born - then she wouldn't have to fight for her life in the hospital...if only I had excepted dad's offer to live with him for a while...if only I had listened.
If only...

Hey guys, this poem below is dedicated to all those strong people who thought they were weak, who blamed themselves for unfortunate situations:
Rise...
You cried yourself to sleep every day.
In the darkest of the night your hidden demons came to life
they mocked you
called you weak
played with your heart.
They said you were to blame for every single bad thing in the world
you believed it
you cut yourself to numb your pain
you felt so useless, so unwanted.
You thought the world would be so much better without you...
But then you realised you weren't perfect, you made your mistakes.
So what!
Nobody is perfect nobody will ever be perfect.
Tell your demons you won't allow them to laugh at you anymore
tell them you are useful, you are wanted.
And the world would be a dark place without you.
Rise and claim what is yours
rise and laugh...laugh at them.
You are so amazing... Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

✳Dinela✳
Xoxo♥‼♥