**Sorry guys. I haven't updated in like 10 days! /.- I have been busy with school and shit. soo, yeah.**
Soo, today. I tried yet again to kill myself.
I obviously did not succeed. /.-
For you guys who actually read this ''diary'', this is why.
Soo, I was asking people from Wattpad for help on how to stop my self harming habits. I'm not going to give names or anything but this one guy said he would help me. This was 2 weeks ago, according to the messages. I asked him for help, he said that he would love to help me. So, for 2 fucking weeks this kid is gone, and, I realize that everyone has a life of their own but you should tell those people who you have waiting for a reply, don't just leave me looking like a straight dumbass. Anywhore, today, this guy comes back online and said,
"Sorry for the late reply iv been busy". No grammar or anything, just that.
I was fucking mad so I just said, "Its a whatever."
To which he replied, "okay".
I thought he would want to get started on helping me so I asked him when we would start and he said," what do you mean start?"
I was mad so I said, "You said you would help me. Haha, whatever though, I knew no one would give a fuck. Bye." I said bye, I didn't want him to help me anymore and I didn't want him to pretend to care, just like everyone else in my life.
This child, has the audacity to reply with, "you dont get it. i care so much and i want to help. your not the only one im trying to help. ive saved about 11 people from suicide and im still helping around 20 girls"
Like, dumbass. No one gives a flying fuck. Saying that I don't get it? Idiot. I do fucking get that you offer your help to those people I do get that you have saved 11 people from suicide. I understand, because at the peak of my short life, that was me. I was the person that everyone went to for advice on literally EVERYTHING. Dip-shit, I do understand. You don't even know me or what I have been through, so shut the fuck up.
But I didn't reply that, I said,"Well, you can help them. They probably have a family that cares for them, and a reason to live."
"no they dont. they re in the same position" Is what he replied with.
I said, "Well, that's already a bunch of girls. I don't want your help anymore, I already know what I'm going to do to end all of this bull shit. Excuse my language."
He then said, "think of the reason why you held on so long. okay? talk to you later bye" Like, did you not understand the part of the last message where I said, I already know what I'm going to do to end all of this bull shit. I guess this kid was a cutter too, so from cutter to recovered cutter, YOU SHOULD FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS.
He didn't but I replied. I said, "The only reason I held on for four years is because I was afraid to die. I was afraid of going into an even worse place than where I am today, Hell. I am still scared to die, but I seriously feel like its the only answer to my problems right now. You probably wont hear from me again. Thanks for even giving it a shot. Bye, those girls are going to thank you forever, their should be more people like you around. <3" That last part, I know for a fact. This guy didn't reply so I just prayed to God that he would let me go into heaven and that he would forgive all of my sins and give me a better life.
I locked my door.
I took out my blade.
I put it to my wrist and I pushed down...
Hard.
This was the first time I had ever cut on my wrist. All of the other times were on my thighs.
I did it over, and over, and over again.
Then my vision started to blur.
I started getting dizzy.
The last thing I remember about that scene was hitting the floor, beside my bed.
I think I woke up about four hours after and I looked to my arm and just stared.
It didn't get through my mind how or even why God let me live through that. I didn't understand why I was still alive, I was supposed to be dead.
Soo, I guess I have to put up with this bullshit life, yet again.
I got up using my good arm and walked to my bathroom. I washed the cuts with a little rag and took off all of the dried blood. Then I put Neosporin on the cuts and finally wrapped my arm with the cloth bandage.
Fuck, how was I supposed to hide that?
I went to my closet and pulled out my Varsity Cardigan and some black jeans and my TOMS. My cardigan is really oversized so it looks baggy so I just have to keep my left arm to my chest or pushed up against my side, just so my mom doesn't notice.
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A/N:
That was my shitty day.
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