Let Me Open Your Eyes

Chapter 22 - Bittersweet Goodbyes

{"The people who matter sit next to you at the sunset 

                        assuring you that it will rise again in the morning"}

My hands gripped the staircase shakily as I tried to stop myself from collapsing. My stature was weak, and the sick feeling of guilt was rising up in my stomach, making me almost choke on the air like I couldn't breathe. It took over five attempts to convince myself to walk down the steps, each one taking every last ounce of strength that I had to move my feet. I kept turning my head, wondering if I should just go back upstairs and never do this. But I knew that she deserved to know after everything.

My mother was sitting at the breakfast table, reading a newspaper as I approached. She looked up, smiled briefly before turning back to the paper as she ate her cereal. I tried to ignore the slight chattering of my teeth and weakness in my knees and I stepped closer.

I clenched my eyes shut, trying to hold back tears as I let out a shaky breath.

"Mom?" I croaked out, holding my breath as her head snapped up.

For a long moment, she stared at me wordlessly as if she wasn't sure if she was dreaming. Her face went pale as if all the blood had ran cold in her cheeks, her mouth dropping only slightly. She was almost in a trance as if she was underwater as I stood in front of her with tears running down my cheeks.

"Mom?" I repeated softly, choking on a sob.

After I repeated the word, she shot out of her seat and within seconds, she was cradling me in her arms like I was a newborn baby again. She cupped my cheeks, smoothing the cheeks off them wordlessly, and smooth tears dripped out of her own brown eyes. She pushed my head gently into her neck, rubbing my back as we both cried. "Oh my god," she sobbed, holding onto me as if she was afraid that I was going to disappear. I felt warm, bathed in a comfort that only a mother could provide for their child, like you know that they would never let anything hurt you.

The relief washed through my body, feeling like all of the weight that I had been carrying around on my shoulders, had finally disappeared even if only for a moment. I still shook, fear swirling in my gut as if she wouldn't accept me or that things would change. There would always be something terrifying to me about baring yourself completely in front of someone, letting them see you at your weakest moment, hoping that instead of looking you in disgust or pushing you away, they simply held on tighter.

That is exactly what she did.

She held me until a smile grew on my face, the tears slowing down to a stop. She gently pulled away eventually, looking into my eyes as if she had finally got her daughter back after all of these years of living with a stranger. Our brown eyes met and I felt less alone than I had done in my entire life.

"I-I have something to tell you" my voice cracked. "I have a lot of things to tell you."

She laughed softly, wiping away her own tears. "God, you don't know how much I have missed the sound of your voice..."

I smiled at her, wrapping my arms around her shoulders for another hug. I felt warmed all over, like I was bathing in sunlight and comfort, like there was a protective barrier around me that wouldn't let anyone past.

She stroked my hair. "Sweetheart, you don't need to tell me anything until you're ready, okay? We can do it in your own time."

"There's one thing that you do need to know" I looked down, feeling tears prick my eyes once more before I glanced back at her. "And I am so sorry."