Depressed | Phan {EDITING}

twenty four

you guys were getting too happy and this whole fic was getting too happy [but i feel so bad for ruining your happiness im so sorry <3]

i also added a chapter on trigger warnings at the start of this book so if you could read that, it would be nice x when i (finally) finish this book, i'll get rid of most of these notes and put {TW} on chapters that need it x

trigger warning for this chapter <3 x

~>•<~

DAN

I really thought I was getting better; but it turns out that I was wrong.

I came to the realisation this morning, when I was having a shower. The thoughts of that night came flooding back to me and all I wanted to do was wash them away. I felt dirty and I just couldn't rid myself of the feeling.

I found a blade in Phil's bathroom cupboard and ended up being in the bathroom for about half an hour. To be honest, it probably would've been longer but I heard the front door close, downstairs.

I scramble up and run over to the sink, running the razor under the water flow a couple of times.

"Dan?" I hear Phil shout, from downstairs.

"One second!" I shout back, panicking a little. I throw the blade back where it was and pull my sleeves over my arms. I mostly focused on my thighs today, but i did add a couple of slits to my wrist. Oh god, what's wrong with me?

Surely, I have to be pretty sick in the head to do everything that I do. I managed to get myself raped, I got beat up, I cut, I starve myself, among other things. Do I need serious help? I don't want to go to one of those psycho wards...

"Dan!" A scared voice shouts, banging against the door, "Open the door this instant! Or I'll knock it down myself!"

My breath catches in my throat when those words come out of Phil's mouth. My father would say that to me a lot and I guess something just clicks because, before I know it, I'm at the door, letting Phil in.

"Oh my god, Dan!" he exclaims, enveloping me in a hug, "We shouldn't have left you... Oh, I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," I attempt to smile, pecking him on nose, "It's just me and my fucked up mind."

"I don't know what I'd do if I lost you," Phil smiles, meekly, "I love you."

My head shoots up and I look at him, confused. He... Loves me? How the hell could he ever love me? That's a strong word and I don't even know if I like him enough to call it 'love'.

He sighs, looking me straight in the eyes, "There - I said it. I am in love with Daniel Howell and if anyone has a problem with that, they can answer to me."

I look back at him, my expression saddening, "I really like you, Phil... But-"

"You don't love me? That's fine, Dan," he laughs a bit, "Everyone moves at different speeds. All that's important right now is that I think Daniel James Howell is the most beautiful man in the world and I am in love with him."

"B-But..."

"You're really pretty..." he smiles, "Like, really pretty."

"I'm a man! I can't be pretty!" I laugh, my thoughts seemingly disappearing.

"Well you are, so that can't be true," he smiles widely, bringing me closer to him. I look up at him and we both smile, before moving closer and connecting our lips.

The kiss is slow and holds so much meaning to it. I can tell that our relationship is going to mean something in the future and I really hope I'm right. This isn't fun and games anymore - Phil loves me. I smile into his lips and pull him further towards me.

"Oh god, I love you so much," he sighs, before connecting our lips, again. We carry on at this sort of pace for about a minute, before Phil begins to push me over to his bed. My breath starts to get shallower and more panicked as he pushes me back onto the mattress.

We carry on kissing like this before I start to get uncomfortable and I push him away.

"Are you alright?", he asks, worriedly.

"Y-Yeah," I stammer, "It just... h-how far is this going t-to go?"

"Oh, Dan... I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be doing this." he cries.

"N-No! I'm fine!" I say, "It's just..."

"It's just, what?"

"I-If we're going to d-do anything, y-you know... I want it to b-be special. Like, I want to do everything r-rather than just something... Am I making any sense?"

"Yes, you are. Don't worry about it, love. I get it."

I smile up at him and resume the kiss where we left it.

"B-But, I want you to know," I say, pulling away again, "I really want to do this... S-Soon..."

"R-Really?" he stutters.

"Really." I smile up at him, before reconnecting  our lips.

We carry on kissing for a little longer before Phil pulls away and looks straight at me. "I-I want to try something..."

I gulp, nervously and nod, "W-What is it?"

"If you feel uncomfortable, tell me and I'll stop right away, but it would mean a lot if you went through with it," he sighs.

Slowly, he rests his hands on my chest and begins to gently push me backwards, onto the soft mattress. His soft hands begin to travel up my shirt and graze over my skin. He smiles down at me and I smile back, meekly.

He leans back a bit before lifting his arms up and taking off his shirt. He throws it to the side, before leaning back over me.

I'm so entranced by his body, that I don't even realise he's taking off my shirt, until the material covers my eyes and my shirt is thrown on top of his.

Instinctively, I throw my hands over myself, trying to cover as much of my body as possible but Phil beats me to it and grabs my wrists, pinning them above my head. I let out a small whimper as he presses into my scars and he quickly retracts his arms.

"Oh my god, I-I'm so sorry," he cries, bringing his hands up to his mouth, "Oh, Dan."

"It's alright," I say, letting out a low chuckle and rubbing my wrists.

"You're so beautiful, Dan... Why can't you see it?" he sighs.

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't apologise!" he says, bringing me into a hug. We pull back and he looks me up and down, making me feel shy and vulnerable. He sighs, again, before taking my arms in his and kissing each of my scars, individually. "So, so beautiful," he whispers, in between kisses.

He looks at me once again, "So damn beautiful," he says, before pressing our lips back together.