Demons

Chapter 10: Believe in Something

Chapter 10: Believe in Something

"Help me

Believe in something

Cause I am broken

I'm down to nothing

Cause it's just so hard to be this way

But it's just as hard to change"

(Down to Nothing by Siddhartha Menon)

Damian

I still couldn't sleep.

Rachel was already away in dreamland beside me. Or at least, I think she was. Judging by the sound of her snores, she was also exhausted from today's ordeal. I wasn't immune to exhaustion myself, but I couldn't relax, either. Something was bothering me, nagging at the back of my brain. Well, it was more like someone. And she was right in front of me.

I don't know why I talked to Rachel again before she went to sleep. She was obviously doing her best not to talk to me, and that should've been a good thing. But I was taken off guard, seeing her in her night gown. I realized this was the first time I'd be sharing a bed with someone other than Asteria. It made me feel... vulnerable.

The fact that she was wearing a night gown didn't help either. I mean, I packed her some clothes. She could've worn a t-shirt and pajamas to bed. But no. For some reason, she decided to put on something from the closet instead. The night gown wasn't that short. It fell a few inches above her knees, however, the top part left very little to the imagination. It was strapless, with a plunging neckline and material that seemed to cling to her. Rachel didn't seem all that comfortable wearing it either, and she had pulled the blankets around herself as soon as she laid down beside me.

I was still a guy, and Rachel was beautiful, though I'd never say that out loud. Of course seeing her in a night gown only brought to mind that we were sleeping in the same bed. She was so close. I was a guy. She was a girl. We were sleeping on the same bed. She was wearing a night gown. Do you see my struggle here? It was at times like this that I wish I was as comfortable around girls as Grayson was, although that could've also been a bad thing. I don't think father was expecting any grandchildren from me soon. I wasn't even thinking about having children!

Frustrated at the road my thoughts were beginning to go down, I sat up in bed, being careful not to jostle it too much. I ran a hand through my hair, annoyed, though I couldn't tell with what. At Rachel? Because she was making me feel all of these things, and I didn't know what to do with these feelings. All this uncertainty and doubt. She was making me question everything I ever thought. At myself? Because I was being weak. Letting this girl affect me. Allowing myself to get too close. At the world? Because, maybe, if things had been simpler, if Rachel and I led normal lives, then maybe things could be different between us, too. Maybe, just maybe, we could be-

I cut my train of thought. I didn't need to think of what ifs and maybes. I didn't need to hope or imagine, only to be slapped in the face by the cruel reality and truth. Rachel and I could never be together. It would never work. That was the truth. I glanced at her, still sleeping peacefully beside me. She didn't need me in her life. I would just end up hurting her. I didn't know how to let people in. I couldn't. My mother, my grandfather, even my father, had made sure of that. None of them ever showed me what love was really like. How was I supposed to know how to love?

Sighing, I stood from bed and made my way to the duffel bag. After pulling on a shirt, I silently left the room. I had no idea where I was going. My thoughts wouldn't let me sleep, so I would just explore. Look around. When I felt too exhausted to think, maybe then I could go back to bed and fall asleep. I was used to aimless wandering anyway.