Saving Mattie (nh)

Chapter 21: Dying

When I was little, I always thought about dying. How it would feel, mainly. Would your senses slowly deteriorate until you were unable to move? Would it be like a lightning bolt: a quick flash of light, then you're gone? I didn't know what to think.

After Cameron died, I always thought about him. His death. I would wonder if he suffered, if the pain medication we were issued from the hospital faded. Maybe he just went, like a leaf blowing away in the breeze. I always hoped he was peaceful, happy as he slipped away. That's how I wanted to die.

After he died, my thought about death grew. Thought about my own death grew, I should say. I wanted to die. Only being seven, I never understood suicide, never thought I was actually contemplating it. Around the age of twelve, it became a game to me. What was the most painless way to die? How would I do it? By then I understood how serious the thoughts I was thinking were, but did that stop me? Hell no. I wanted to die. My mum was obviously not caring for me anymore, I couldn't remember what it felt like to smile. It had been five long years without Cam and Dad, but the misery still hung over us, like a dark cloud. I was craving death. I had planned it out and everything. Overdose was the way for me.

The week before I was going to do it, something changed my mind. I made a friend. Miniature Darcy had skipped up to me, a big toothy grin on her face, and told me I was pretty, and should smile more.

We were joined at the hip, and slowly I was pulled out of my depression. I couldn't say the same for my mother though.

Life was hard all around. Every day, the insanity in her eyes got stronger, until it overwhelmed her completely. I never knew she would be my cause of death, though.

The gunshot was unlike anything I've ever experienced before. It was like a stick of dynamite had blown into my side, sending me reeling. My whole body was tossed in the air, and I briefly got the feeling of floating, before I crumpled onto the floor. I heard a sickening crack, but I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't breath, couldn't control anything about myself. I was just... there. Witnessing the whole event through the victims eyes. I heard a scream, and more bangs filled the air. I wanted to sob, fall apart, but I couldn't move. My eyes were still open, but all I could see was the floor.

I felt like a rag doll as someone picked me up. My head lolled backwards, and I could feel arms supporting me. My vision was going blurry, and I couldn't think, couldn't concentrate. I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening to me. I had been shot, and was likely dying.

Someone shifted my head, and instantly, I saw him. As soon as his perfect face came into view, nothing else mattered but him. His face was tear streaked, and his mouth was opening and closing, saying things I couldn't quite hear. It was like I was underwater, unable to hear anything but a slight buzzing.

His little pink lips constantly moved, telling me things I couldn't comprehend. I struggled to open my mouth, but it was like cement. I pried my mouth apart, and struggled to breath. I felt so cold, my side soaked in something I couldn't quite see. The world slowly sped up, and I wished it hadn't

Pain. It spread through me like a wildfire. Horrible, terrible pain, like someone had gouged out my insides and was rearranging them. I was being burned, drowned, suffocated. My lungs and torso burned, and my left arm was crumpled unnaturally. I could have been lying there, in pure agony for minutes, hours, days. I had more control over my body as time passed, but the pain grew. I felt emptied, lighter than a feather, and slowly, my ears regained their ability to hear.

"Mattie! Please, stay with me!" Niall yelled, tears dripping down his face. My eyes welled with tears as well. I couldn't stand to see him cry.

"N-Niall..." I moaned, my right hands fingers twitching.

He seemed to breath a sigh of relief, but the tears didn't stop. His arms swaddled me in warmth, and he rocked back and forth. "Mattie, you need to stay with me, you have to!"

I wanted to nod, reassure him that I'd be fine, but I wasn't sure if that was true. Instead, I lifted my right hand up to his face. My fingers caressed his smooth skin, sending tingles through me. "I love you." I whispered, my voice hoarse. I repeated it, a little louder. "I love you Niall. So much."

A sob rumbled through Niall. His hand shifted from under me, and a blood-soaked hand reached up to my face. Was that my blood?

His fingers trembled, like he was scared to touch me. He brushed hair from my face, leaning down so our foreheads were touching. He shook his head. "Don't say it like that. Like this is goodbye." He sobbed, his voice rough.

I trembled. "I-I don't know if it is or not. You ju-just needed to know."

He sniffled. "I love you too. So much. You need to say with me, fight for me."

I sighed, my breath shaking. "I-I'll try." I sniffled, before planting a soft kiss on his lips. "I love you."

"I love you too." he replied.

Then, my world gave way to a pulsing darkness.